Tag Archives: MTV

Gyaan Do Promo #Acting #TVC #MTVIndia

So I acted in a TVC for Kamasutra Deos at MTV. I have nothing further to say. The ad is below:

What did you think of the TVC? Leave your comments below!🙂

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© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.


TV SERIES: MTV REALITY STARS #Created #Written #ExecProduced #MTVIndia

In March, 2013, I created, wrote and exec. produced a 12-part fiction TV series called MTV Reality Stars for MTV India. It was the first-ever show I had written; in fact, it was the first-ever anything I had created/written/produced/worked on in general. I wrote it when I was 24 and well, it shows.

Not at all a great (or even good, probably) show, I’m still super proud of it as it was my first foray into the world of TV and films, and no matter how it turned out, it led to bigger and better things, and was the most exhilarating experience of my life. I had never been more passionate about anything else before this show. There were many things that went wrong with it and it was supposed to be and meant to be something else entirely, but it’s still my baby and I’ll always look back at it fondly (although warning: it may be pretty unwatchable to you :p)

MTV Reality Stars
Created by: Nikhil Taneja
Directed by: Gaurav Khindaria
Produced by: Bhavya Nidhi Sharma
Written by: Nikhil Taneja & Adhir Bhat
Starring: Gurpreet Saini, Nikhil Sabharwal, Rajeev Verma and Simer Motiani
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3005872/

The MAKING OF: https://vid.me/oAF2
(This is probably my favourite video of the entire show – and yes, that includes all the episodes :p)


Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

Episode 10

Episode 11

Episode 12

What did you think of the series? By any stroke of luck, did you like it? Even if you didn’t (and you probably didn’t), leave your comments below anyway! 🙂

Follow the blog on your left and like The Tanejamainhoon Page on FB: /tanejamainhoonpage
Follow Nikhil Taneja on FB: /tanejamainhoonon Twitter:
@tanejamainhoonon Instagram:@tanejamainhoon,
on Youtube: /tanejamainhoon

© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: The 12 Best Kept Secrets of MTV – II #Humour

Recap: MTV is not one of those regular, boring, filthy rich companies where all it takes for the organisation to succeed in life and make truckloads of money is a few hard working employees, a few hard working bosses and a few hard working coffee machines. NO. Because at MTV, there are no few hard workers… at MTV, *everyone* is… hardly working.

So then it’s empowering to know what is it that makes MTV India the world’s No 343,2459243th ranked brand, and how we have managed to sustain (a mind-boggling) over 14 fans (not including employees’ relatives) in India for all these years. In last month’s issue, I revealed to you the 6 secrets of MTV’s energy… *our* energy – including the Sutta Break, FREE Coke machine (true story), Madira, ex-employees, Jose (and Ramesh) and the mysterious Vault. The rest of the secrets are for your eyes ONLY. DO NOT SHARE THEM WITH ANYONE or the world *will* come to an end in 2012.. because of YOU.

7. The Table Tennis Table

When you find alliteration in a MTV magazine, you know that it is possibly the most important thing ever written. But the table tennis table at MTV is not just an important literary device, it is also the most important reason the employees at MTV exist. It is not a mere form of entertainment for them, no. It is, in fact, a way of living.

Time itself stops at the table tennis table at MTV .Why do you think the attrition rate at MTV is so low? Because the thought of getting to play table tennis during the lunch break, before work, after work, and of course, during work is what drives most employees to come to MTV and STAY there. It inspires them to do their work faster and often, better, so that they can play table tennis without being disturbed. In fact, healthy professional rivalry at MTV stems from this very fact – “if I perform better than my colleague, I’ll get to play MORE table tennis than him and hence, I will rule. Lols.”

Apart from longevity, satisfaction and inspiration, at last count, the table tennis table at MTV has been widely acknowledged as responsible for employee loyalty (both to the company and to their respective spouses), high employee attendance at work (some employees even come on weekends to play table tennis) and of course, the perception of the world that all the points given before are because people at MTV are working hard. HA! The world will never find out (except the 14 of you reading this) that it is the table tennis table that keeps employees happy… and of course, the Digital team.

8. The Digital team

What is the digital team, you may wonder? Is it a team of robots that secretly works at making MTV a better place to live in? Is it the only team that knows how to operate Facebook? And why in the world is it more important to the survival of the human race, than all the other teams at MTV like the hot intern team, the canteen admin team or the team responsible for selecting bikini models for Splitsvilla?

Yes, all these questions are justified… if you live under a rock! No, not under Dwayne Johnson, but under boulders from the time everything was analogue. Ladies and gentlemen, the Digital team at MTV is the solution to all of life’s problems. It is the team that has brought to you, the MTV India facebook page, the MTV India Twitter handle, The MTV Roadies facebook page and MANY more!

It is the reason because of which over 3 million (yes, million) lovelorn and desperate teenagers in India get up in the morning, log on to the internet and comment on a MTV post with lines like, “Hi gals, add me as friend if you are good person” or “Gals, m Haryanvi boi, so add me add me add me add me.” It gives a sense of hope, a sense of community and a sense of virtual sex to the many, many digital fans of MTV (And of course, I work for the Digital team but that’s just a coincidence, obviously). The hope that these pages give to MTV fans is almost similar, if not less than the hope that the songs from the IT department give us employees, that yes, the world may just survive 2012.

9. Songs from the IT department

If there’s one department in every office that actually embodies hope in human form it’s the IT department made of up of computer engineers, bachelors in computer applications, NIIT graduates and all other people in India. Apart from the love for computers, they are united through one hope: That the girl they “proposed to” will say yes someday, even if she… err.. got married 10 years ago.

And that’s why you will sometimes see notes like “Boy loved girl but couldn’t tell girl, she got married and he died” on their notice boards and songs of Kumar Sanu and Sonu Nigam about unrequited love emanating from their hub. Of course, every now and then you’ll hear other hopeful songs like “Taakat watan ki humse hai” or “Ae mere watan ke logon” and feel inspired to be Indian at work. Although I have to admit, if there’s anything that inspires MTV employees more than these songs, it’s the promise of a new office.

10. The promise of a new office

After my job interview for MTV, two things were instrumental in my taking up the job – a) The free coke machine and b) The promise of a new office in Andheri (which is close to where I live and where most of the people in MTV live… but mostly, close to where I live). This was in October 2010. As we enter 2012, we have yet again been promised – for the 45th time – that we are shifting this month.

The new office is inspirational for a number of reasons but only one of them matters the most – It will be closer to Lokhandwala. Which means, the number of hot chicks who are struggling models and reality show aspirants who will come to our office, in short tops and shorter skirts, will increase 10 times! That’s obviously a good thing for the employees and the IT department, but it may just make Cynthia mad.

11. Cynthia

Cynthia is the second most powerful employee at MTV after Haresh Chawla, the Viacom18 boss. And since Mr Chawla is hardly ever at MTV, she is the most powerful employee at MTV. It’s not the fact that she assists Mr Chawla that makes her powerful, it’s the fact that employees have come and gone, bosses have come and gone, interns have come and gone, but Cynthia has stayed on… to terrify generation after generation of new employees and interns.

On most days, she may be seen doing any of the following bizarre things: a) Threatening to send an intern/new joinee to jail because he drank beer during an office party, b) Threatening to send an intern/new joinee to jail because he work chappals to office, c) Threatening to send an intern/new joinee to jail because his hair is longer than the length that she has specified or d) Cutting the hair of an intern/new joinee because he didn’t listen to her the last time (true story).

But as all stories go, Cynthia may be tough from outside but she’s one of the nicest people to exist in MTV, in Mumbai, in India as well as in the world (and I don’t say this because she may kill me when she reads this). She was, in fact, singularly the coolest thing about MTV for the longest time until…. Noise Factory happened.

12. Noise Factory

Yes, dear fans, the last and most important best kept secret of MTV is this magazine that you hold in your own hands. It is such a secret that there is a Noise Factory branded cabinet at the entrance of the office but it’s always empty. It is such a secret that there are over 3000 people on our Twitter and FB handles but they don’t know Noise Factory is a magazine.

It is such a secret that no one outside of our 14 fans know of its existence. In fact, it is such a secret that no one outside of the 14 people on the credits page in the beginning know of its existence. And YET – Noise Factory is the coolest thing to have happened to MTV, the magazine world, the youth of this nation, and to the world in general. And by not sleeping during the length of this column (and not sending me hate mail yet), you have approved of it. THANK YOU, dear fans. THANK YOU, all 14 of you! 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in January, 2012

Read part I of the post here: https://tanejamainhoon.wordpress.com/2014/02/01/mtvsecrets1

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: The 12 Best Kept Secrets of MTV – I #Humour


But truth is, while you may think it is MTV Roadies, the Splitsvilla babes, Anusha’s hotness, Raghu’s bald head, Rajiv’s bald heads or all the other bald “heads” for that matter, that are responsible for MTV doing so well, there are other mysterious elements at play in making MTV what MTV is – by which, I obviously mean, AWESOME. Here are the 12 things about MTV knowing which will make you powerful and super-heroic (but will still not help you qualify for Roadies… Thank God for that!):

  1. The Sutta Break & The Grey Chairs

For all those who think that people don’t do any real work at MTV and only chill, party, stare at Splitsvilla models and discuss Raghu’s iconic acting career, you are right. That is all we do… *at* MTV. And that’s because all the real work happens *outside* of MTV – during sutta breaks. Interestingly, all of MTV’s best ideas have happened while sitting on chairs owned by next-door ad company, Grey. Because obviously, we can pay money for Ayushmann to take off his shirt and dance in MTV Grind (and to Jose to NOT do the same), but we can’t afford our own chairs outside the office.

So, to understand how exactly how work happens, here’s a totally-not-made-up conversation that signifies the origins of MTV Splitsvilla:

Dude 1: (on seeing a hot chick from Grey exit the building) Dude, that chick is hot

Dude 2: Yeah dude *takes puff from cigarette*

Dude 1: I wish that hot chick had many hot chick friends and they could be in a house alone with me and they could fight over who gets to be with me and all the while, they’d be in bikinis.

Dude 2: Yeah dude *takes puff from cigarette*

Dude 1: I’d call such a house Splistvilla because, you know, it would be a villa and I’d totally be doing Splits in my room as a form of physical exercise.

Dude 2: Yeah dude *takes puff from cigarette*


Dude 2: Yeah dude *puts out cigarette*. Now let’s go celebrate by getting ourselves FREE COKE.

2. The FREE COKE Machine

It is both an irony and an encouraging sign of dogged determination (or not) that the most physical exercise MTV employees do every day is climbing the stairs to the first floor, so they can have FREE COKE. The free coke machine is MTV’s best-kept secret.. I mean, *literally* – the free coke machine is tucked away in that dark corner of the first floor open terrace you’d usually bury dead bodies or sexual harassment cases against Siddharth… or umm… both. So each time you make it to the corner, you feel sinful, badass and grateful-to-be-alive, all at once. And to celebrate, you have the FREE COKE! And in case FREE COKE…umm… COCA COLA, or the more hardcore, FREE THUMS UP, just won’t cut it, it’s best to wait for the beer and breezers to flow.

3. Beer, Breezers and Madira

When the people at MTV aren’t combining national holidays with weekends so they can go to Goa and get drunk, they do the next best thing – don’t go anywhere and get drunk right at office! No, no, there’s no need for all of you young, impressionable and morally upright readers to get scandalised at the thought of this – the HR *does* have good reason to give away free beer, breezers and every now and the occasional Tequila shots.

I mean, when there are so many legit occasions to celebrate… like Roadies finale (the fact that it’s getting over, yes), new show launch, Christmas eve, Diwali eve, India cricket match, summers, monsoons, end of the month, Friday, end of the day and just-because-we-can. Obviously, we don’t do it every day, you know, we are cool like that. (And also because, for every day, there is Madira – the shady bar-cum-restaurant that smells like Delhi, opposite the MTV office, which serves alcohol in the morning too, just in case ex-employees drop by and we obviously *need* to catch up with them for a drink).

4. Ex-employees

It is interesting to note that 50% of the work that’s done by MTV’s employees is actually not done by MTV’s employees – it is done by people who quit MTV. This only makes sense because these ex-employees, in their time as MTV employees, would also look up to employees before them, to save them. This may stem from the fact that none of us have any clue about what we are doing (except Ramesh). And by the time we understand what to do, we realise that we deserve much more money for doing it, so we quit and work for freelance. But not all are like that, obviously. That’s precisely why the other 50% of the work done by MTV’s employees is done by Jose (and Ramesh).

7. Jose (and Ramesh)

For all those who don’t know Jose, he’s the only existing MTV VJ who was at no point connected to an MTV reality show (or connected to someone *from* an MTV reality show.. *cough*). Which obviously means that he is the only one who knows what he is doing. Which is obviously why he hardly spends time at MTV anymore. But even the few seconds that he spends every other year at the MTV office are responsible for the greatest TV shows that… you’ve never seen. Those TV shows will come at a time when the audience is intelligent enough to understand them.

But when I say the above, I am not talking about Ramesh, who is already more intelligent than the audience and everyone else at MTV – because he has the best job ever. No, it’s not applying oil to the bodies of Splitsvilla contestants (because such a job doesn’t exist L). It’s the next best thing – he is in charge of ALL THE MTV GOODIES. And no one knows where they are kept… the apparent existence of a ‘godown’ is mere speculation. Maybe it is because of him that The Vault exists? It shall never be known…

6. The Vault

Yes, we do have a vault at MTV. And no one knows why it’s called The Vault because the most precious thing it contains are remnants of food and drinks left by people who come there for “meetings” but actually just want to sit on the bean bags (what it does NOT contain is money collected over a period of time for Raghu’s hair transplant, nope). The only other precious thing that The Vault contains is time… because this is the second place where time comes to a standstill inside the MTV office. The first place is, of course, the….


(*insert mysterious haunting orchestral music*)

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in December, 2011

Read Part II of the post here: https://tanejamainhoon.wordpress.com/2014/02/01/mtvsecrets2

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: A Fan-tastic article #Humour

Today, I want to take a moment and be grateful towards the people who’ve made it all possible for us to be awesome at MTV. No, not my Mommy, Daddy, chaiwallah, etc; no, not the molested goat from MTV Bakra; no, not Raghu’s shining bald head and no, not even the bikini girls from Splitsvilla. Okay wait, maybe the bikini girls a little bit. But mostly, *drum rolls* it is YOU, oh ye awesome fans. *Breaks into Anu Malik’s classic, ‘Kaun main? Haan tum! Bas tum? Offo!*

Over my extremely entertaining and overly satisfying tenure at MTV, which is bound to result in me being paid more money than Anil Kapoor has chest hair, my interactions with MTV fans have resulted from having my photo clicked (because no ‘famous person’ was available.. .not even Siddharth) to getting friend requests on Facebook like “Hi frend, add me, m Haryanvi boi” (True story) to being told very seriously that my ‘sar’ and ‘g**nd’ are one and the same thing, because I work at MTV.

I have, in these obviously beautiful and heart-warming interactions, learnt about everything from the various kinds of English prevalent in India (the most popular one being the one in which you addzzzz ‘z’ tozzz everythingzzzzz… lolzzzz) to how apparently I need to “blast myself”. From all these lovely experiences though, I have successfully been able to identify the 5 different kinds of fans! Yes!! *self applause* *bows* Here they are:

  1. The Hardcore fan

My favourite kind of fan. They don’t make them anymore :’) <— khushi ke ansoo. The hardcore fan is the rare species that loves your brand so much that his sole purpose in life is to stalk the crap out of all your pages, the pages of VJs and even its employees. Yes, I said “HIS” sole purpose because girls, umm, have a life. And no, I haven’t offended this fan by dissing him because he’s THAT loyal. Anyone who can survive eight seasons of Roadies and even *volunteered* to write a Roadies blog, had his happiest day when Raghu acknowledged himby making eye contact, has quit jobs that paid him real money to join MTV, and can now be seen gloating about it all in Noise Factory… yup, nothing can possibly affect him now in life.

2. The Emo fan

This is the kind of fan who PMSes even if it’s male… especially when it’s male, actually. He’s the person you avoid in social events, in professional events, on the streets… you get the drift right? Because if and when he manages to catch you, what will inevitably follow is any one of these:

a)      I miss MTV of the good old days.  (Translation: I miss Shenaz Treasurywala)

b)      Are you guys still doing Roadies with that bald dude? (Translation: I HAVE APPLIED 30 TIMES! WHY DIDN’T YOU SELECT ME?)

c)       Why are there so many reality shows on MTV? (Translation: I miss Shenaz Treasurywala)

d)      Aren’t you supposed to be a ‘music’ channel? (Translation: Hip hop videos have nudity in them)

e)      WTF was MTV Grind? (Translation: I miss Shenaz Treasurywala)

3. The Greedy fan

The fan who wants gifts, merchandise, passes, tshirts, your brains, liver, and everything that comes with it. Will take part in every and any contest and spam you with answers until you make sure he gets to see anything from a MTV shoot to you digging your nose at the MTV office so he can update his Facebook status saying, “I SAW THAT HAPPEN LIVE! I AM SO COOL.” But of course, there’s a silver lining to having him – you get to take screen shots and show your boss, “See, I made that happen for him! I am so cool!”

4. The Pseudo fan

The pseudo fan is obviously the most annoying kind. They’ll pretend that they aren’t really fans of MTV India and are wayyyy too awesome to give any kind of crap about it, but will line up first on hearing any of these words: “Free”, “Giveaway”, “Grind”, or “Shenaz Treasurywala”. Most of the times, they are found working at MTV, so we shouldn’t say more bad things about them.

5. The fan who doesn’t know he’s a fan yet

If you like dissing MTV Roadies, Coke Studio @ MTV, MTV Grind, MTV Unplugged, MTV Splitsvilla, MTV Stuntmania or any other MTV show… you are still talking about “MTV”! By definition, you are a fan. Thank you very much!


Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in November, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: Intern-al Affairs #Humour

There are a very few times in my life that I’ve hated movies, even though they are my first love. The first time was when I landed up in an engineering college and realised that colleges don’t look ANYTHING like the ones in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Main Hoon Na – the only hot chicks in our college were found in the tikka masala at the dhaba beyond our college walls (true story).

The second time I hated movies was when I broke up with my first girlfriend (it was mutual, I swear) and only later realised that unlike the movies, in real life if you try to get back your girlfriend, she calls it ‘stalking’. And informs her new boyfriend. Who looks like Godzilla in size, but is a shade uglier in appearance. And who tries to kill you and eat you up.

The third time I hated the movies was when I started working. You see, I was always under the illusion that there’s a bevy of young and hot chicks, traditionally called secretaries, who’d do anything to work under you (figuratively speaking) because you are young, successful and let’s face it, awesome (and by you, I mean me).

Since I haven’t invented Facebook, at my age the only secretary I meet is the pot-bellied, balding uncle who collects my building’s maintenance fees from me every month, against my liking, of course. And so, I didn’t mind settling for young and hot interns who’d someday be young and hot secretaries and the world would be a better place to work in.

But then, as is usually the case, life has happened. Over the course of 3 years, and roughly 30 interns, let me take you through the different types and kinds of blood-sucking, over-priced, hard(ly) working, annoying, egoistic, and usually very, very male interns I’ve had to deal with in life:

  1. The Important

This type of intern, usually found in the South region of Bombay, considers himself to be a gift to mankind. He was born not to be an intern but the king of all interns and their masters everywhere, and is merely doing you a favour by allowing you the opportunity to be his boss… until, of course, he decides to buy you and make you slave. He will come when he wants, do what he wants, since he’s just spending some time with the mortals to learn the ways of the cattle class. If you are lucky and have puppy eyes, he may even offer you a job at his father’s company. As an intern, of course.

2. The Sicko

This kind of intern is usually… umm… not found in office at all. Not because he doesn’t like to work or is shirking work or has another intern job to pay his bills and feed his widowed mother and blind sister, but because he’s ill. It’s apparently always a mysterious disease that has the same symptoms as that of ‘faking it’, but is, in fact, a real disease, that only allows the intern to turn up for work two days of the week. For the entire duration of the internship. Until he’s found another job that requires him not to be sick because there are hot female interns as colleagues. True story.

3. The Sacrificial

This is the intern who’ll consider all his options when he’s given some menial, but obviously meaningful work (in the larger scheme of things). And once he realises he doesn’t HAVE any options, he’ll do the work, but not before informing you how it’s only genuine people like him who do such work, because they believe in the greater good (money). He’ll talk about all the sacrifices he makes by taking the train to work, by giving up on eating from his favourite Pav Bhaji stall because there isn’t one near our office, or by not taking up a job with the rival company whose employees were willing to strip to employ him – just because he likes you! Usually, he’s found eating Pav Bhaji outside the same stall once he discovers there IS no more money for him, since there’s no money for YOU either L.

 4. The Over Qualified

This is the kind of intern who’s plain embarrassing to work with. Not because he breaks out in an item number every now and then, no, but because he’s usually older than you are, and wants to intern for reasons that range from ‘profile building’ to ‘mid-life crisis’. He’s usually the worst kind of intern to have, because, you find it strange to give him work that you’d usually give your slave. Also, you are scared he may beat you up if you don’t treat him right. He usually goes back to his real work once he finds an office hottie who makes him realise that money is, after all, everything!

5. The Go Getter

The award for the most annoying intern ever goes to this one. This intern is the most enthusiastic, happy, willing to work and eager to shine guy ever – except that he wants to work and shine at the job YOU are doing. He doesn’t want to do work given to him because, obviously that work’s for an INTERN and not for someone as awesome as he is. Instead, he wants to do your job because that’s where his real skills lie, and it doesn’t matter that you had to make coffee for the security guys on your way up to this level – because he is smarter than you and he won’t have to go through that route. Until, of course, you fire him because it’s not legal to bit*hslap people at work.

These are just the basic type of interns out there to destroy your peace and happiness for the money YOU give THEM. There are obviously many more interns out there if you look harder, and I’m willing to bet they’d do the same for free. Now if only the intern was a hot chick, I’d totally not mind any of this at all. *HINT*


Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in October, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: Hair today, gone tomorrow #Humour

Let me start by giving you all some background: Growing up, people used to call me ‘Anil Sami’ because I was hairy and fat – I was like the Anil Kapoor version of Adnan Sami. I have had *real* conversations where friends have asked, “Yo what up dude! You look even more awesome than usual. Have you been trying to grow a beard?” and I have responded, “What up man! Not really, I’ve just not shaved this morning.”

Out of all the unmentionable nicknames given to me all my life, the ones that, unfortunately, *actually* had some semblance of truth were ‘Bhaloo’ and later ‘Papa Bear’ (and not ‘Lo*uchand or ‘C**tprakash’). In fact, I have had friends – girls – give me ‘Veet’ for my birthday. Veet is a hair removal cream. So yes, the point is, I’ve been hairy all my life.

And then, I came to MTV.

I don’t know what it says about the awesomeness that is the MTV office (or ahem, about me), but  on my first day at MTV, it wasn’t the kickass colourful wallpaper that caught my eye, nor all the hot chicks roaming around in bikinis (maybe because there were none… #FAIL), nor all the Roadies posters with Raghu and Rajiv looking even angrier than usual (Tees Maar Khan had happened), and not even all the badass looking Noise Factory magazines being ogled at by only like, everyone. No. I distinctly remember… the first thing I EVER noticed about MTV was, “Woah. SO. MANY. BALD. DUDES.”

At first, it was a passing joke between me and my friends – how Raghu and Rajiv were, in fact, communicable diseases. Because bloody every third person was bald, and as a consequence, angry and mean. It seemed that we had entered the matrix but instead of fighting to save the world, we were all preparing for Roadies auditions, step one of which was: lose all your hair, and step two was: grimace. (Step three, by the way, was: Teri ma ki @#$!#@!$#%@ #$%!$!@#$!@#%!$#^#^()#$%*)

But then, something strange started happening. Initially, I thought I was being paranoid. That it was all IN my head and not ON it. But then, the signs began to show. If I’d be with my friends in a car on traffic signals, little beggar kids would say to them, “Aye Hrithik Roshan, paise de na! (Oh Hrithik Roshan! Gimme some money!” or “Kya Akshay Kumar lag raha hai! Kuch paise de na! (What Akshay Kumar you are looking like! Gimme some money!” But when my turn would come, they’d say, “Aye UNCLE, paise de na! (Oh Uncle, gimme some money!).  No, not Hrithik Roshan, not Akshay Kumar, not even like a Govinda. But UNCLE.

I’m 24 (JUST turned 25 but because this article is set in the entire year, I’ll say 24) but one of my evil bas***d friends has started playing this game over the last few months called, “How old do you think Nikhil is?” And NO ONE GUESSES ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE TO 24. My maid has started charging me more money because she thinks since I’m so old I’d be earning a lot, my mom wants to marry me off “while there’s something left there” and my barber suggests a hundred different solutions “that can produce gardens on barren land”…  because I’VE STARTED TO LOSE HAIR too!!!!!!!!!

The curse of the bald twins struck me swiftly and unexpectedly, but from what the mirror suggests, it’s here to stay. Things have become so bad that sometimes, when I’m in an office meeting with some of MTV’s senior bald employees, while they are talking, all I can think of is, “He’s bald, he’s also bald, even he’s bald, and he’s also bald. THIS is my future too *insert tears*” And then I start imagining what bald-hairstyle would suit me… should I just shave off everything on my head or should I crop my hair to porcupine-type length so it seems like I’ve done it on purpose? Or how about, I just DIE !@#$!%$?

Now everywhere I go, I can see bald people. Who don’t seem to care that they are bald. Except for Dr Batra who’s screaming from every newspaper, magazine and hoarding I can see around me to “act, before it’s too late!!” I find myself staring at my old pictures where I was young and rash and didn’t tell my hair enough what it means to me. I’ve also found myself paying close attention to shampoo ads on TV. I even remember shampoo slogans and punchlines and can now identify which shampoo can help my hair to be “jadon se mazboot.”

But all of this is in vain, because apparently, research shows that after the age of 22, an average male loses 100 hairs per day. Only, in my case, the male has… umm… already lost. So I’ve now decided to stop whining over it all, and turn into Raghu for all practical purposes. I’ve started abusing random people in my office asking them, “Tune kiya kya hai life mein bho1#@$%!$% ke.” I’ve also started picking fights with anyone and everyone screaming, “Roadie banega!!#$ Hai g**nd mein dum?!@#$.” And now instead of ‘Hi’, I greet everyone with a grunt.

I’ve also started growing a French beard… err… I’ve already grown a French beard even though I started yesterday. And that’s the bloody curse of the bald twins – hair all over the body but not where it matters the most.


Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in September, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
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