Category Archives: Humour

Humour: Funny Article about Sex

I’m shocked by the number of times I’ve heard women choosing ‘sense of humour’ as the top quality they’d want in the man of their dreams, over qualities that seem fairly obvious – beautiful face, beautiful body, not Chetan Bhagat, and so on. I say ‘shocked’, because from first-hand experience, I can assure you, they are lying.

I caught on earlier in the day, that ‘love at first sight’ happens only if you look like Hrithik Roshan, or if you are standing really, really far away from the girl and if, well, the girl likes falling in love with people who are standing really, really far away. Unfortunately, I don’t look like Hrithik, and even more unfortunately, I’m usually visible from really, really far away too, so I realized that ‘love at first sight’s’ not going to work for me. That’s when I decided to entice women using my superpower of ‘Knock knock’ jokes.

But that was in vain too. I spent an entire childhood trying to make girls laugh at my jokes but failed miserably… because, let’s face it, the joke kind-of dies at ‘Knock Knock?’ ‘Get lost, loser!’. But I didn’t give up. I had to try and get girls to relate ‘funny’ with my personality, and not just my looks. So I’d prepare jokes at home, memorize them in my superhero brain, and then, during an ongoing conversation with a hot girl, try and intelligently, shrewdly and carefully take the conversation in the direction of the topic I had a joke prepared on. Something like this:

Me: Hey, hot girl.

Hot girl: *Puke*

Me: Oh, speaking of which, did you hear this joke about racism, religion, chauvinism, ugly people and anything else that would be sure to offend you in general?

Hot girl: *Complains to teacher*

It took me more failures than Uday Chopra to understand that being called ‘funny’ by a girl, is No 4 on the list of things girls call guys they will never sleep with, after ‘Bhaiyya’, ‘Nice person’ and ‘Engineer’ (All of which I soon ended up becoming TOGETHER, by the way). Here’s a fact: I was reading a magazine’s ‘Most Desirable Men’ list (I had bought the magazine because of the bikini girl on its cover and NOT because of this list, I swear)… and guess what I found on it? Names of allll 5-6 and above-pack guys. Guess who I DIDN’T find on it? Johnny Lever. VJ Jose. Archana Puran Singh. ME. 

Seriously, even if you take the most not good looking guys who have something else going for them (good body, good relatives, good profession) and compare them with the funniest guys with similar perks, the results are obvious:

Abhishek Bachchan – Not funny. Is married to AISHWARYA RAI.

Vs

Govinda – Very funny. Not married to Aishwarya Rai.

Harman Baweja – Not funny. Dated PRIYANKA CHOPRA.

Vs

Navjot Singh Siddhu – Very funny. Came close to dating Shekhar Suman.

Emraan Hashmi – Not funny. Kissed MANY HOT GIRLS.

Vs

Ritesh Deshmukh – Very funny. Was offered Dostana.

And that’s the truth of the matter, people. Let’s not lie to the world and admit it once and for all – Funny guys in males are the equivalent of bhartiya naris in females. Everyone wants to marry them, but no one wants to have sex with them.

Sigh.

 

Note: This article first appeared on MTVIndia.com on December 21, 2010

Link: http://mtv.in.com/blogs/movies-blog/news/funny-article-about-sex-4109.html
Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

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Humour: How a condom saved my life

For a guy who had boundary issues with human beings in general (till the first girlfriend happened) I was always aware about AIDS. Thanks to TV, movies and, ummm, my mother’s women magazines lying around carelessly, I remember being curious about

You can imagine how horrified and scandalised a mother would be, when her child, who had never even chuckled after reading endless Famous Five books featuring a dude called DICK, is asking what ‘condom’ meant. Her child, who is in the SIXTH standard. In my defense, I was also apparently not old enough to understand what ‘genital’ meant when I looked up the word ‘condom’ in the pocket dictionary.

The condom incident

I don’t remember my mother’s exact reaction, but I think that’s the age when she started telling other mothers about how ‘bachche kitni jaldi bade ho jaate hain’. But what I DO remember is that ever since that day, I have been terrified of getting AIDS. In fact, here’s a true story: Some years after that ‘condom’ incident, I found a girl stupid enough to want to kiss me. She was the first ever girl who had said that to me, not counting the time I was five years old, when I had pulled a girl’s hair for kissing me.

Even though I found my way around the internet by the time, and knew who Pamela Anderson and Sharon Stone are (and why they are known), I was mortified at the girl’s words. This is exactly what I was thinking: “HOW COULD SHE SAY THAT!!! WE CAN’T BETRAY OUR PARENTS!!! WE ARE JUST 14!!!!! IT’S SUCH A CRIME!!!! SHOULD I CALL THE POLICE? WHAT IF SHE GETS PREGNANT!! WHAT IF MY PARENTS FIND OUT SHE SAID THAT TO ME!!! I SHOULD CALL THE POLICE!!!”

The unprotected kiss

Okay, that may not have been EXACTLY what I was thinking, but I DID make a phone call after that conversation. To a friend of mine. This is EXACTLY how THAT conversation went (or not): “Dude, you know that girl who wanted to hold my hand the other day? Now she says she wants to kiss me. I’m scared, man. What will happen to me? Why does she want to do that? What’s wrong with her? Okay so tell me, should I carry a condom with me… you know… for the kiss? Like what if I get AIDS, dude?”

I am not one to kiss and tell… and that’s why I can tell you that OBVIOUSLY, that kiss did not take place. I never heard back from the girl when I mentioned ‘condom’ to her. It’s been quite a few years since that fateful moment, and the word ‘condom’ has been used with much irony in my life since then, you know, since I… well, since I was in an engineering college. Where the only sex you get is when you get your examination answer sheets… oh no, wait, that’s ‘rape’. Sorry, got confused!

But the climax (haha, see the wordplay here?) of this story is not whether I did or did not get to use the condom in its rightful place since then (or if I FINALLY know what its rightful place is). It is the fact that even when I had no idea where the hell I’ll put a condom when kissing a girl, I still knew that I would not get AIDS if I used a condom.

It’s not all funny

And I tell you this story today, because today, December 1, is World AIDS Day. On a serious note, here’s a shocking fact: Over 5 million people died from AIDS in India this year, and have been dying in India since quite a few years. And most of them died because they were not aware of AIDS, or thought they were too cool and ‘macho’ to use condoms. No, no one’s going to give you a medal of honour for ‘taking it out just in time’. Trust us, that’s NOT what we mean when we say, ‘stay raw’.

Don’t be stupid – use a condom. Read up on AIDS, HIV, and also, on how condoms work, if you don’t know. And most importantly, help spread the awareness. MANY youngsters still don’t know about why AIDS happens and how they can stay safe. Join hands us with in educating people about the HIV virus.

Make yourself count. Spread the word. Not the virus.

 

 

Note: This article first appeared on MTVIndia.com on December 1, 2010

Link: http://mtv.in.com/blogs/movies-blog/news/how-a-condom-saved-my-life-3881.html
Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

Humour: We Are Like That Only

I’ve met a bunch of funny people in my life. Not funny ‘ha ha’, but you know, funny Bappi Lahiri (not as fat or as shiny though). But I think, at the time I met him, K was the funniest person I had EVER come across.

That dude, who went on to become one of my best friends, literally invented a grammar of his own – we called it ‘Krammar’.  Here are some of his priceless dialogues:

Krammar: Shut your f**k up

English: Shut the f**k up

Krammar: You are almost welcome

English: You are most welcome

Krammar: I don’t give it a s**t

English: I don’t give a s**t

Krammar: She is a horn

English: She is sexy (umm… ‘horny’ was what he was going for)

Krammar: What the f**ks?

English: What the f**k?

You wannabe, I wannabe, we all wannabe

With a friend like that, I never needed TV or internet in my hostel. Having him around was enough entertainment. Since I was a bast**d (and still am), I could never stop taking digs at him. But what I admired about him was – NO matter how much I’d take his case, he’d never give up on speaking Krammar.

He spoke it day and night, even if it meant using words like ‘befool’ (instead of fool) and ‘cheer’ (instead of cheers).  Or phrases like ‘That is my copyright’ or ‘Come, we are coming’. After a point of time, because of our incessant digs, his English did improve. And now, that same dude, is teaching M.Tech at the 16th ranked university in the world!

I used to think of him as the biggest wannabe in the world, when I first met him. But knowing him made me realize, there’s a wannabe in every one of us – we just don’t admit it! Like for me, personally, ever since I heard Baba Sehgal’s ‘Aaja meri gaadi mein baith ja’, I wanted to be able to pull off his hip-hop swagger.

But the fact is, no matter WHAT I do, I can’t even pull off the bloody ‘yo’. Every time it comes out of my mouth, it sounds like the South Indian version of ‘Oh’. And for the life of it, I can’t rap. Mostly because I don’t get the damn lyrics. So usually, I’m singing inane lyrics like, ‘Lose yourself in the music the moment you won’t get it or something and you GO GO GO, you only get one shot to do something na-na BLOW this opportunity comes once so you YO YO YO’.

Wannabe is the new cool

The point is, I don’t THINK I’m hip-hop cool. I KNOW I’m a wannabe ‘hip-hopper’. Because all of us are wannabe, at some point of the other, and you know what, it’s OKAY. It’s OKAY if you watch English movies with English subtitles. It’s OKAY if you buy some things only because you get something free with them. It’s OKAY if you own merchandize with Che Guevara’s face pasted on it even if you don’t know who the hell he is (or can’t pronounce his last name).

It’s OKAY if you love Notting Hill even if you are a dude (and furiously fight when someone calls it a ‘chick flick’). And well, it’s also OKAY if you read Chetan Bhagat’s books (hey, he’s also a wannabe and he’s made millions because of that!!!). Okay, wait, I may judge you a little bit for that.

Why deny who we are? Why claim to only love David Guetta when ‘Munni’ makes us want to do vulgar dance moves? Why look down upon Bollywood when we are clearly interested in who Katrina is dating next (and why !@#$). Why say ‘What ya’, even when it means nothing and is like a VERY annoying version of ‘Kya yaar’? Why use ‘douchebag’ instead of ‘ch**iya’ when we don’t even know what it means (though we probably don’t know what ch**iya means either)! Why make fun of Ashmit Patel though we know many people who are uglier? …Actually we can still make fun of him, regardless!

It’s cool to be who you are. It’s cool to stay raw.

 

Note: This article first appeared on MTVIndia.com on December 6, 2010
Link: http://mtv.in.com/blogs/movies-blog/news/we-are-like-that-only-3957.html
Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

Humour: Gaali Do, Lekin Raashtrabhasha Mein

Any guy who has studied in an engineering college will surely vouch for me – studying in an engineering college is tough. In fact, even a Chetan Bhagat will vouch for me (And may also say I haven’t credited him for this thought). And it’s tough

I was personally an extra naïve, gullible fresher, who had some very questionable ideas about college life because of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Ishq Vishq. More importantly, having grown up in Bahrain (also known as ‘Dubai’ in India), I was an NRI. By the way, that’s engineering code for, ‘You are f**ked’.

Among the many problems you face because of being an NRI, like being horrified about finding out that you have to poop in Indian style toilets in your hostel, or the fact that you have to share that Indian style toilets with other over zealous poople… uhh.. people, lies the grossly criminal mistake of not knowing Hindi swear words. And as I was to find out later, another criminal mistake is admitting it to your seniors, especially during a ‘ragging session’:

Senior: ‘NRI hai? Gaali aati hai?

Me: ‘Yessir’

Senior: ‘To de na, bh**di ke’

Me: ‘You loser!’

Senior: ‘Abey gaali de raha hai ya sex kar raha hai! Hindi gaali nahin aati kya?!’

Me: ‘Kutte, kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga’

Senior: ‘Saale Dharamenda ki najaayaz aulaad, third standard ki gaaliyan nahin, college ki gaaliyan de, behen***!’

Me: ‘Sir, English mein doon? Mujhe Bas***d, Son of a b***h, Motherf**ker, sab aata hai’

Senior: ‘Arreee! Tu to seth hai be! English bolta hai, behenc**d! Bast***d bolta hai ha**mi! Motherf**er bolta hai ma**rc**d! Hindi gaali to seekhni hi padegi, be! Tomorrow, make a list of 500 Hindi gaalis, nahin to tere saath achcha nahin hoga.’

Bad words… hawww

For a guy who would write ‘k***a’ in internet conversations up until that point (preferring the more civilized ‘doggy’ instead), I was scandalized when I was given this task. But more importantly, I was emotionally scarred on being called all those ‘bad words’ in the ragging session and didn’t understand how my seniors could play with my feelings like that.

I spent a sleepless night and by morning, I had exhausted all insulting animals like haathi, bhains and saand, and was looking up English-to-Hindi dictionaries to find out Hindi words for parts of the anatomy to insult. I could only manage to come up with innovations like ‘Tujhe phephde ka cancer ho jaaye’, ‘Tere dimaag mein tumor ghus jaaye’, etc.

But just when I had reached the end of famous diseases also, a friend came to my rescue by making me realize a golden truth: Indians have lots of relatives. And each relative can be insulted multiple times! So what started as regular gaalis like ‘behenc**d, g**nd mara, teri *** ki ****, went on to become ‘baap-c**d’, ‘bhai-c**d’, ‘chacha-c**d’, ‘maama-c**d’, ‘taaya-c**d’…  ‘tere chacherabhai ki c**t, ‘tere sasur ki c**t’…. ‘tere behnoi ko bol g**nd mara’, ‘apne jeeja ko bol g**nd mara’… and soon enough, we had 500 gaalis!! Not only had I finished off my ragging assignment, but I had had some very important lessons in family relationships and what type of gaali will spoil them forever.

In love with behenc**d

It was a day that changed my life. Not only did I become a hero in the eyes of my seniors (for which they gave me ‘special attention’ during ragging sessions as a reward 😦 ), but also became enamoured by the power of the Hindi swear word. And four years after that word, by the time I graduated from college, this is how a regular conversation with friends would go:

“Aur behenc**d, kaisa hai b***di ke! Kya c**tyapa kar raha hai aaj kal h***mi!! Kahan g**nd mara raha hai itne dino se! Saale, @!#$%^%#!$%!#&^@$!@#$%!@%$%^@$&!@~@@$%#^”

And you know what? F**k just does not feel cool any more. Who need f**k when you have behenc**d? For my ‘Ode to Behenc**d’, wait for tomorrow’s article. But for now, here are words to live by:

‘Gaali Do, Lekin Rashtrabhasha Mein. Stay Raw.’

 

Note: This article first appeared on MTVIndia.com on December 3, 2010
Link: http://mtv.in.com/blogs/movies-blog/news/stay-stay-raw-3945.html
Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

Humour: No, we can’t be friends. Please die. #BreakKeBaad

Break Ke Baad may not be the best film to have come out this year (that’s because HISSS came out this year), but Deepika Padukone elevates it to a must-watch for two reasons. One, she is a GODDESS and we love her and worship her dimples and wish our girlfriends looked just like her!!!!!!!!! And two, her character in the film is EXACTLY how girls, who all boys hate, are. Also known as, ‘b**ch’.

The story of Break Ke Baad, if you unfortunately suffer from the IQ of Celina Jaitley and have still not figured out, is the story of a couple that breaks up and tries to deal with what happens after that. And what happens after that is the story of EVERY couple. The guy still stays in love, while the girl turns into a b**ch.

No, no. We are not being sexist here (we are only sexist in articles about Justin Bieber… mostly because we are confused about the sex). It’s a general rule – even when there is an equal girl to boy ratio, the likelihood of a girl getting a boyfriend is >>>>>>>>> that of a boy getting a girlfriend (unless that girl is Justin Bieber… see what we meant?). That gives girls an unfair higher power over boys (that they then wield during the time they are making the creatives for their Women’s Equality slogans). This power also comes into play once the break up happens.

And that’s pretty much what Break Ke Baad showcases – how girls turn from sweet, adorable, seemingly-naïve and cute Barbie dolls into heartless, b**chy, Dolly Bindra-versions of the devil that enjoy ripping your heart out and then play table tennis with it. The devil that “just wants to be friends” and who feels that “ANY GIRL would be lucky” to have us (which is a polite way of saying they want our souls).

We’d imagine the same has happened with EVERY one of us guys. Girls breaking up with us and then doing the puppy eyes-thing and begging us to “please be friends” because they cannot live without us. But of course, they can’t live WITH us, can they? And obviously, guys, the gullible creatureswe are, can’t say no, and so, we agree, even though we’d rather get hit in the nuts.

And that’s where Break Ke Baad falters too. It’s like every other real life situation where the guy gives in to the all-powerful ex-girlfriend who wants to suck our blood… “but only in a friendly manner”. For once, we expected the guy (we are talking about Imran Khan… yes, underneath that face, there IS a guy… apparently) to give it back to the b**ch! “No, we can’t be friends, you evil, heart-ripping female re-incarnation of Hitler. Please die.”

But of course, no guy’s been brave enough to say that and survive. No one’s usually even been brave enough to THINK that. While upar-upar se guys are saying, ‘Yes, of course we’ll be friends forever, of COURSE *puts cool shades on*’, in our heads we are thinking, “PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE TAKE ME BACK!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!! BAA-WAA-HAA *crying* BAA WAA HAA. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! WASH YOUR FEET, MANICURE YOUR NAILS AND EAT YOUR LEFTOVERS!! TAKE ME BAAAAAACK!”

But thankfully, we hold that back (well, at least, some of us do). And act all cool outside, while dying little by little inside. Until everything is dead (well, ALMOST everything – the cool shades live on, you know!). That’s pretty much what happens in Break Ke Baad too. And for that, we hope the movie works, so people get to know the face-2 of those two-faced girls. And the plight of those poor guys… of US poor guys.

 

Note: This article first appeared on MTV India on November 29, 2010
Link: http://mtv.in.com/blogs/movies-blog/bollywood/no-we-cant-be-friends-please-die-3829.html
Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.