Category Archives: Humour

MTV Inside Story: M for Music… WHAAAT? #Humour

I’ve never fancied myself as an agent of change. In fact, I am as comfortable with change as I’m with going to work, earning peanuts, getting up on Monday mornings, getting up in the mornings in general, getting up in the mornings in general and realising that I have to go work where I will be earning peanuts, getting kicked in the nuts… you get the picture. I. HATE. CHANGE.

So when I joined MTV eight months ago, I took comfort in the fact that MTV is in sync with my philosophies regarding change. Because even if there comes in a time in the near future when a giant spaceship from a galaxy far, far away filled with ugly, bald aliens would land on earth, destroy everything that ever meant something to us (including and especially Justin Bieber’s music), make slaves of all human beings (even Rajnikanth), and take over our planet, there would still be a voice coming from behind the TV from a man who looks suspiciously like them aliens, screaming, “TU ROADIE BANEGA, MA**RC**D?!?! TUNE KIYE KYA HAI LIFE MEIN BH**DI KE!!!”

There would also still be a Parsi named Cyrus… ANY parsi named Cyrus finding a reason to dress in drag, one really hot exotic-looking chick hosting anything she wants to host since she’s that damn hot, and one dude so insanely good looking that your ego would be shattered each time he comes on screen, irrespective of how highly your mother thinks of your “dashing personality and sharp features”. Yes, MTV would always, always be the same.

But then, around three months ago, an M for Miracle happened (please notice how I ingeniously use the phrase ‘M for’ in this paragraph so you get impressed and send me M for Money so I can pay my rent). Apparently – and this is strictly hearsay – Raghu gave back all his Roadies money that he’d been saving up for his hair transplant back to MTV for M for mysterious reasons. And since MTV *literally* had nothing else to put on air, they decided to put back on the music!

So with Coke Studio @ MTV, fusion music is playing, with MTV Roots, indie music has got a chance; aur toh aur, they’ve even thought of this out-of-the-box, mind-blasting idea to subtly promote music by making semi-naked chicks (and a fully-covered Ayushmann, thanks be to God) dance on it, in MTV Grind.

And ever since, life hasn’t been the same again. It rains whenever you want it to rain, the computer doesn’t hang whenever a girl says ‘Hiii’ on Gtalk, the AC is always working, the dog outside our office just had puppies and even Bani, in spite of being so hot, says, ‘What’s up’ each time she sees you in office! And if you thought that was it, here are some other pleasant consequences of these shows:

  1. 100% Employee Satisfaction: For one, all of us have realised that all the sins we’ve committed with Roadies and Splitsvilla may actually be compensated JUST because we’re associated with these shows. We wouldn’t even have to spend money to go as far as Haridwar to wash our sins, when we can easily do them in the rain sequences of MTV Grind! And that makes us extremely happy! On top of that, there was free food and drinks in the launch party of Coke Studio @ MTV, and that has added to the extreme happiness!! The exclamations are proof!!!  
  2. 100% Productivity: Considering the fact that music is now part of our job profiles, it is now NOT “hazardous to the work environment” to play music on loudspeakers in office! Also, even though it may seem that we are now doing NOTHING else apart from listening to music, we are STILL being 100% productive – because music is now part of our job profiles!! Woo hoo!!
  3. 100% Family Friendly:  The music shows have no maas and behens, no judges, no SMS voting, no auditions, and most importantly, no Raghu, so we can now (FINALLY) tell everyone (read: hot chicks) that we work for MTV! Yes, the same channel that plays Coke Studio @ MTV!
  4. 100% Genuine Fan Following: Who’d have ever thought that the answer to “Hiee, lolzz; I’m fully true Rodie4u babys, add me plzzz?” was MUSIC! With music coming back into our lives, our Facebook communities have also turned into a pilgrimage of true music lovers! Here, we will choose to ignore all those girls who liken music to Atif Aslam’s hair conditioner and answer that they are most looking forward to Atif Aslam’s performance in Coke Studio @ MTV even though the poll DOESN’T FEATURE HIS NAME.
  5. That’s it

Turns out, when they said, “Change is good”, they were right! And that’s why, YOU should change too. How, you ask? Please start watching MTV so that it gets great TRPs, which then reflects in my bank account. Coke Studio @ MTV airs every Friday at 7 pm with repeats every single day, MTV Roots airs every Friday at 8.30 pm with repeats at 12.30 am every Friday, Saturday and Sunday; and MTV Grind airs at 7 pm every Saturday with repeats in your sleep.  

 

 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in February, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

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MTV Inside Story: What we learned at YMF #Humour

The MTV Youth Marketing Forum (YMF), better known as the MTV Age of Sinnocence, was an extraordinary event that set a landmark precedent as far as extraordinary events and landmark precedents are concerned. Some of the extremely best and universe-shatteringly widely known youth marketers and opinion leaders came together on one platform and explained, analysed and showed us how the world can be changed merely by attending forums such as these.

And now that I have said the truth and nothing but the truth in the above paragraph, which has absolutely nothing to do with me trying to make sure that I’m not fired for what I write in the below paragraphs, I shall subtly and indirectly hint at what we learnt at the YMF (apart from some pathbreaking marketing trends and incredible youth insights)… that had nothing to do with YMF:

Of all the very important things we learnt at the YMF, like the importance of the internet in the world, the importance of the youth in the world, and the importance of the youth using the internet in the world, the biggest lesson learnt was: It’s too dangerous to let Cyrus Broacha loose in public.

Babies were born at the Comedy Store that day because their pregnant mothers laughed so hard, some people lost their sense of smell because they popped some veins from laughing their asses off, and it’s been reported that ‘Broacha’ now translates to ‘mentally unhinged’ in certain African languages – all because Cyrus was asked to host the event.

We also learnt that day that India TV has finally taken over the world. In a chilling turn of events (in the otherwise largely extraordinarily awesome proceedings), Cyrus decided to pop ‘the’ question to the various camerapersons recording the event. As much as we were expecting him to ask them to marry him or strip naked – Cyrus did something much more demented and off-limits. He asked them: “Do you know what event this is?”

There was deathly silence, especially in the first row where sat the people who had spent on this event, the money they had earned by years of sweat, toil and making people believe that Raghu is the male reincarnation of Lalita Pawar.  The answer ‘I don’t know’ would have sent shockwaves down the spines of the sponsors who had probably spent days and nights fighting for their logo to be one inch bigger, except for another lesson learnt that day: when Priyanka Chopra comes on stage, no one remembers what was happening.

It was perhaps Priyanka Chopra’s hotness that taught us the most about ‘Sinnocence’: it taught us that men like Cyrus Broacha have to visit the loo every time Priyanka makes physical contact, that she would not mind ‘kissing women on screen’ if ‘the role demanded it’ (read: if she was offered more money than the Income Tax department took from her) and that ‘Are you dating Shahid Kapur’ is still the most important trend that needs to be addressed on a forum about trend spotting.

And as far as trends go, it was interesting to know, that even at the age of 67, Rajiv Lakshman was still considered young enough to be clubbed with a youth panel. It was also interesting to know that for Rajiv, every debate ends with, “I made Roadies” – because everyone laughs so hard they can’t remember what they were saying. And it was most interesting to know that Rajiv is introduced as “the man who is also known as Raghu all over India”.

Of course, not Cyrus, not Priyanka and not Rajiv can prove that YMF was a success as much as the applause that the event received when the ‘knee cap’ was brought to the audience’s attention – to be used – *drum rolls* – for the rare occasions the woman decides to go down on the man. *Whistle, whistle*

 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in June, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: Seriously Speaking #Humour

I’ve usually been bad with direction in my life (which would explain what I’m doing at MTV :p). But a few days ago, I got the chance to turn director for a short promo that needed to be shot. It was less to do with my prodigious and multi-faceted talent that I had to don the director’s hat, and more to do with the fact that the promo idea had come to us at the very last minute (you cannot time creativity, you know). Also, we are perennially short of funds so it’s always a bonus if the writer can direct, if the director can edit, if the editor can sweep, if the sweeper can play guard, etc.

The promo that was to be shot had to be a ‘viral’ video. A serious and inspirational video that would be so brilliant that it would go ‘viral’ on the internet. That was a pretty clear brief, except there were two big chinks in the extremely thin armour we were equipped with:

a) I had to shoot a ‘serious’ video: The most serious I have been in my life so far was when I said ‘I love you’ to a girl, and she replied ‘No’, and

b) ‘I’ had to shoot a serious video: The only thing I have shot so far in my life is two and a half million photos of my feet, when I was trying to figure out what it is that girls like in photos of feet.

Yup, it is safe to say, that this video was doomed from the very second it was conceptualised. On top of that, I had to go with a crew to a crowded public place and take ‘bytes’ from people that would be ‘serious’ and ‘inspirational’, and that would ensure the video goes viral on the internet. It was a tough job, no doubt, but as they say, when the going gets tough… the tough still give it a shot because their salary depends on it.

So I went to the crowded location, and took along me a friend who had directed documentaries in college (he even acted as a eunuch in one… don’t know why but I had to mention that). The task was cut out – we had to make people say what we wanted them to say, anyhow.

This is what happened: we came to realise that there are two types of people in any crowd. Those who’ve seen MTV and those who, you know, have more important things to do in their lives (losers!). And as luck would have it, we faced a problem with both types.

The following is an example conversation with a person who HAD watched MTV:

Me: Excuse me, would you like to give a byte on this serious topic for a minute?

Person (on seeing the MTV logo on my mike): You are from MTV?

Me: Uhh… clearly.

Person: Then why do you want to talk on the serious topic?

Me: Err… we are starting a new campaign on this serious topic.

Person (trying to do the math in his head for a minute): Wait, is this a bakra?! Are you making a bakra out of me!?

Me: No… as you can see, I’m not as good looking as Cyrus Broacha.

Person: Haha! Is that the bakra then? Good one good one! Oh wait, will I still be on TV now that I figured it out? Oh s**t! You should have told me before man!

Me: Umm…

The following is an example conversation with a person who HADN’T watched MTV:

Me: Excuse me, would you like to give a byte on this serious topic for a minute?

Person (on seeing the MTV logo on my mike): You are from MTV?

Me: Uhh… clearly.

Person: Then why do you want to talk on the serious topic?

Me: Err… we are starting a new campaign on this serious topic.

Person (trying to do the math in his head for a minute): Wait, is this a bakra?! Are you making a bakra out of me!? (suddenly has a flash) Oh wait! ARE YOU CYRUS BROACHA?

Me: (bangs head on mike) Yes, yes I am.

After this happened with at least 34 other people, me and my friend realised we had to improvise to overcome these stereotypes, or we’d be sc**wed! More importantly, ‘I’ would be sc**wed! And then, we played our masterstroke: We waited till dark, you know, so no one would recognise… our crew (because our crew of Shanta bhai and Mushtaq bhai were more famous than I or my friend are).

And then, to top it all, I and removed from the mike, the attachable box that had MTV written on it. And that’s it! It worked like magic! All we had to do then was, go to anyone and say, ‘Excuse me, we are from Network 18. Would you like to be on TV?’ Shanta bhai also taught us: if you select one person from the crowd like he/she looks REALLY important, the others will feel left out, wonder what the fuss is, and stand in line so they can also feel really important.

In the end, we got 15 bytes, some of which were impassioned speeches from people who were made to feel that they could achieve glory by our repeated use of the word ‘TV’ in front of them. I’m yet to sit in the edit studio and make a viral video, but I’m worried that exercise may be doomed too because:

a)      I have to edit a ‘serious’ video and

b)      ‘I’ have to edit a serious video….

 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in May, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: What Happens on Facebook… #Humour

If you’ve been a fan of MTV India’s Facebook community (www.facebook.com/mtvindia), you’ll know that the world is clearly divided into two types of people – MTV India’s Facebook fans, and LOSERS.

Yes, MTV India’s Facebook fan community is perhaps the greatest thing to have happened to humanity, after the invention of the wheel… and Navjot Singh Siddhu. At almost 1.9 million, the community is the largest in India for ANY brand (yes, even more than Rupa underwear and baniyans) and 17th largest in the entire world. It yields unnatural power of influencing enough people to cause a revolution – and it KNOWS this. In fact, the government so far hasn’t fallen because this community has LET it stay on.

The feedback for every post made on topics like Indian pop culture, politics, inspiration and Bappi Lahiri, ranges from 5,000 to 10,000, distributed evenly between ‘LIKES’ and comments. That’s more people interested in one post than Raghu Ram has had hair on his head in his entire life. And interestingly, it grows at a rate faster daily than Raghu’d have lost that hair in his lifetime – more 10,000 per day!

So after learning these insightful details about the greatest fan community that ever lived (even more than that of ‘Piyush Chawla 4eva’), here’s revealing the flow of the revolution that takes place when a Facebook post is made on MTV India:

1. A post is made – a revolution begins

I’m not going to say that MTV India’s Facebook fan has no other real work like watching Roadies, reading the official Roadies blog and staring at photos of Prachi and Mohit all day and all night… because it is not true. The truth is: the zealous fan waits, like a tiger waits for its prey, for a post to be made – all five times a day. This is evident by the first few of the 5,000 comments on the post that are roughly like this:

Aman CoolDude Singh: 1st

Raj HandsomeHunk: Shud b 1sttttttt

Mr Vivek: 1st hoon main doston,,,, gals hi?

Pooja Love: Top 10? Lolzzz

GauRaV KhaNNa BoSS: 2nd,,, hi frnds,,, hi gurlz da boss iz here !!!!!

Piyush Chawla: *Intelligent comment about post*

 

2. A leader is chosen – a hero(ine) rises

Every revolution needs a leader. Like grammer needs Shahid Kapoor’s tweets, cinema needs KRK and zoos need Dolly Bindra, a Facebook post on MTV India needs a name, a face, a brand ambassador… a LEADER. For MTV India’s FB community, it’s Sophie’s choice between a ‘decent’-looking girl with her ‘own’ display pic (aka, BOY) vs a girl with an exotic name and a display pic of Hermoine Granger/Britney Spears/Priyanka Chopra (aka, BOY). The reactions are fairly endearing too:

Pooja Love: Top 20? Lolzzz (15 LIKES)

Neha Sweety: Hie… (20 LIKES)

Mr Vivek: hye galz wanna join me wt’s say ??? look @ ma profile only 15 frnds m haveing,,,,

Abhishek CoolestDude Agarwal: Neha hoe r u dea??? Reply me,,, @neha sweety ♥ r u der???

GauRaV KhaNNa BoSS: New frnds r lyk emeralds 4 me,,,, add me galzz wt’s say????

Aman CoolDude Singh: 1st ??? Hi Pooja,,,!!! @pooja,,,

Neha Sweety: Thanks @guys for lyk ma comment J

Piyush Chawla: *Another intelligent comment about post*

 

3. An intellectual discussion ensues – a debate rages

Where there is a revolution, there is always scope for mutiny. Even though the entire community is behind the leader (behind her, yes), there are some who feel wronged/jealous/unloved/umm…single, and try to disrupt the bonding and love of the entire group. But since this is India’s intelligent, well-read and eloquent youth, it prefers reaching a common conclusion through an intellectual debate and non-violence, rather than crude aggression:

Sameer Hatela: @neha,,, ye fake id hai???  @Abhishek,,, f**k off neha leave her alone wo teri bhen hai

Abhishek CoolestDude Agarwal: ma plsre dea neha for lyk, ua most welcum anytym,,, can we frndz?

@Hatela u r one spam away frm ma block list teri m@#$ ka !#$@! Bhen!@#$@$ f**k your !@#$!%$#@@! In !@#$#@!%

Mr Vivek: I AM ALSO SINGLE,,,POOJA U CAN MINGLE. Any oder galz also welcum @Hatela u r c**!@#$ya, u dn’t said cool stuffs f**k off galz dn’t want u

Arjun Don: Pooja,,, u din reply me plzzzz reply me,,, r u single?  Im nt a cheap guy u can be ma online gf plzzz I can sent u only u frndz request? @Neha where r u frm r u DER? Plzzz reply me

Sameer Hatela: F**k off Arjun Pooja n Neha are guy, you are guy, this is gay stuffs u all loooozers f**k off Vivek Abhishek Aman s**k !@#$!@ I will !@#$#!@% to your !#$%!#$%# block me f**kers I have 8-10 ids kitna block karega?

Neha Sweety: Hieee guyz  pls dnt do online war this is not Roadies lolzz

Piyush Chalwa: Wats happening guyzzz plzz don’t use abuse languages I’ll contact FB admin, let talk about *intelligent comment about post*

Sameer Hatela: F**k off Piyush ja bowling seekh kar aa fir flirt maarna bloody !@#$@#!$@

 

4. A peaceful conclusion will be reached – the revolution comes to a pause

Gandhiji and Raghu Ram’s non-violence teachings are not lost on today’s generation. As much as the Britishers tried to divide us and rule – the Facebook community prove that nothing can divide us. There is much to unite us and we shall not fall, no matter who the adversary!

Arjun Don: Ya NEha is rite…  this iz nt Roadies Raghu is a taklu bt Roadies roxxx @NEha,,, I agree wit u if u agree wit my comment, tel me ur phone no or add me plzzzzz

Mr Vivek: Sab Raghu ke fans yahan all suckers no lyf, u cnt be Roadies u need 2b RoXXX to be Roadies!!!! Pooja wt u think Im rite or wt u think?

AmanCoolDude Singh: Neha u dint reply me plzz send me request 4get Hatela hez use abuse language lyk Raghu. Im true Roadies ma heart sez I will win add meeeee

Pooja Love: ok bye guyzzz tc Im watching Roadies byeee

GauRaV KhaNNa BoSS: Galzzz dn’t go plzzzzzz Roadies roxxxxxxx

Neha Sweety: biee guyzzz Im going cyazzz J

Sameer Hatela: u r fake galzz !@#$!@%$#@^@ !@$@!#$%@#!$% @vivek arjun aman RAGHU only Roadies iz real itz roxxxx

Piyush Chawla: *Forgets post, makes intelligent comment about Roadies*

 

5. New post happens – Another revolution begins

And just like the circular region on Raghu’s head, the circle of life continues…

 

Raj HandsomeHunk: Shud b 1sttttttt

Neha Sweety: hieee m I 2nd? Lolzzz (comment gets 40 LIKES)

GauRaV KhaNNa BoSS: Hi neha hoe r u miss yaa

Mr Vivek: Neha,,,,,

 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in April, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: Being Raghu – The Hair Edition #Humour

No one working at the MTV office can deny that he/she wants to be in Raghu Ram’s shoes at least once. No, not because Raghu knows more abuses than most people know their mother tongue.

No, not because Raghu gets to do starring roles in defining movies of our generation, like Jhootha Hi Sahi and Tees Maar Khan. And no, definitely not because of Raghu’s obvious raw sexual appeal that emanates from a focal point on his bald head.

 real reason everyone wants to be Raghu Ram at least once is to experience the sadistic pleasure of sitting in the jury’s chair and judging a poor, unassuming, desperate contestant up and down, like you were sent by God especially to judge him. In other words, to make a contestant’s mother and sister one (please translate line in Hindi).

So imagine my happiness when I was asked to go to Bangalore to audition contestants for an upcoming show – it was like that time when I was finally old enough to watch porn legally. Except, it was better, and more legal! I was going to be Raghu – The Hair Edition, and would be like a saviour of mankind, but one who gets to screw everything in sight, and call it ‘job hazard’.

But of course, if life was that perfect, I’d have been the President of my own country, have a body like Hercules, and a sea of gorgeous women hailing me as the man of their dreams. Yes, reality’s a bi**h. So instead of being a new and improved hairy version of Raghu, I found out, first hand, WHY Raghu gets so frustrated during auditions. And unlike what I had previously assumed, it has verrrrry little to do with the minimal amount of hot chicks at the audition.

You see, within one audition session, I realised that all wannabe reality show contestants can be divided into 4 broad categories. And by the end of the audition, these stereotypes became SO obvious that I actually understood why Raghu has no hair – because he pulled them all out during auditions, of course. Here are the stereotypes:

a)      The Enthus: Those contestants for whom getting into a reality show is more than a matter of life and death – it’s a matter of Rakhi Sawant and Kumar Gaurav. And they want to be Rakhi Sawant SO badly that they have pre-empted every possible question judges could ask, and rehearsed every possible ‘impromptu’ answer to those questions. Even ‘O Jejus!’

b)      The Somewhats: These guys are extremely conflicted and complex deep inside, like deep, deep inside, much like Rahul Mahajan. They really want to be on a reality show but they are not sure what their Mummy would say if she found out. So they have sort-of prepared for it, but they are leaving the rest upto ‘Bhagwaan’ so even if they get selected, they can always say it wasn’t their fault.

c)       The Clueless: They have no idea what they are doing at the audition. They probably want to pee very badly, and entered the first building they saw hoping they’d find a loo there. And they are extremely surprised to see that there are judges deciding who gets to take the piss out of them. To follow up this badly written joke with an even worse punchline, they are extremely efficient at pissing you off.

d)      The ‘I-Want-To-Be-A-Rodies’: They are extremely weird, volatile and hazardous to health and they REALLY want to be ‘a Rodies’, though they have been rejected by Raghu for 8 years in a row. But in true Roadies spirit, they don’t give up – so much so that they go to any and every reality show audition and give a Roadies audition there. Even though the show has NOTHING TO DO WITH ROADIES.

To give you a further insight into the dangerous minds of these wannabes, here’s an idea of what ACTUALLY happens at auditions:

Judge: So why do you want to be a part of this show about college kids doing random mad tasks?

The Enthu: To give an answer I just thought of right now, I loved the first season of the show, especially the task in which they make the professors dance. I can do all random mad tasks because I have so far lived my life doing random mad stuff like for eg, blah blah blah. And moreover, blah, blah blah. On top of that, blah blah blah.

The Somewhat: So why do I want to be part of this show about college kids doing random mad tasks? Hmm. (Thinks) Actually, I’m in college. And I love doing random mad tasks. Hahah! So hmm. (Thinks) Yeah, that’s it.

The Clueless: Can I go to the loo please?

The Rodie: Because I am different from everyone else, I love adventure like riding on bicycles, I can do physical tasks well like bitching, playing politics and stabbing people’s backs, and I know I have it in me to be a Rodies.

Judge: What’s the craziest thing you have done in college so far?

The Enthu: There are so many! I’ll just tell you one from memory, that has come to me totally impromptu, just now – so there was this one time…. blah blah blah. Oh, I just thought of another one on the spot – so what happened was… blah blah blah. You know what, another one just came to mind – once upon a time… blah blah blah.

The Somewhat: What’s the craziest thing I have done in college so far? Hmm. (Thinks) Well, I went to college and that was quite crazy. Hahah! So hmm. (Thinks) Yeah, that’s it.

The Clueless: Bahut zor se aa rahi hai, bhaiyya. Let me go to loo peees.

The Rodie: I once went on an adventurous task on my bicycle all the way from my hostel to the canteen. On the way, I stabbed someone’s back, played politics and took over someone else’s bicycle, and then bitched about him only. I know I have it in me to be a Rodies.

Judge: If you had a superpower in college, what would it be?

The Enthu: There are SO many superpowers I could have. Off the top of my head, it could be: the ability to give middle finger to professor, power to attract hot chicks towards you, get attendance for not attending, and apart from that, blah blah blah. Not to forget that blah blah blah. Most importantly, blah blah blah.

The Somewhat: If I had a superpower in college, what would it be? Hmm. (Thinks) Well, it would be the superpower to be super and powerful. Hahah! So hmm. (Thinks) Yeah, that’s it.

The Clueless: !#@$!@# To go to the f**king loo whenever I want !@#$ Nikal gaya na!? Aur kar lo question !@#$

The Rodie: It would obviously be the superpower to go on any adventurous task on my bicycle like a superhero, while stabbing backs of everyone, playing politics without anyone knowing it and bitching about people while not getting voted out. I know I have it in me to be a Rodies.

Judge: *Pulls out hair one by one*

Yes, I’m balder than I was before I went to the auditions. Yes, that’s the closest I have ever come to being Raghu. And yes, that’s more Raghu than I’d EVER LIKE TO BE AGAIN. *Disposes off comb because it’s no longer required*

 

 

 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in March, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

MTV Inside Story: MTV FAQs #Humour

Three months in, I get more inquiries about MTV in a day than the number of hours I sleep (home and work combined) in a week. So, I’ve decided to use this platform to once and for all answer all generic FAQs. If you still have questions, my phone number is also in one of the answers. Pliss do call. Pliss.

Guy question: Is Raghu really like THAT… you know… like THAT?

Yes. He doesn’t have even half a hair on his head (but the same can’t be said about dandruff). But in case you meant if he’s that BADASS in real life, then I’m not sure. Two weeks ago, I saw him in office wearing a floral shirt – that’s a shirt with FLOWERS on it. No thorns. Just daisies and roses and sunflowers… and I think, I may have even spotted a lily. But does that mean he can’t kill me merely by the repeated use of the words ‘g**nd’ and ‘dum’? I’m not sure again, and I really don’t want to find out, you know.

Girl question: Do Rannvijay and Ayushman talk to you?

No, only Jose talks to me L

Guy question: Mujhe ‘Roadies’ banna hai. Can I also be ‘a Roadies’?

Of course, you can. In fact, I can see on your face only that you that you were born to be ‘a Roadies’. I’m actually 100% sure that your mother gave you birth only so that one day you could be verbally raped by the one-who-cannot-be-tamed. I’m also sure that you know from inside-inside that you have it in you to be ‘a Roadies’. By inside-inside, I mean that I’m sure you enjoy the idea of getting hit in the nuts during a task just as much as I enjoy coming to work on Monday mornings (or any morning for that matter), taking a cold bath in winters, or being called ‘uncle’ by beggar kids. NOT.

Girl question:  Is Rannvijay that hot in real life also?

Yes. I accidentally bumped into him last week, and I had to be hospitalized with third degree burns.

Guy question: Dude, are all the chicks in MTV like the Splistvilla chicks?

Well, I haven’t seen them roam around in bikinis and sarongs yet. But then again, I’m new, so I never know. But if you mean are they so hot that my eyes are perennially on the verge of popping out, and sometimes I think I’ve died and gone to heaven? Then yes. Also, Splistvilla chicks do come in every now and then 😉

Girl question: Can you set me up with Rannvijay? Or Ayushman? Josie bhi chalega.

Okay first of all, it’s HOEZAY. Don’t call it Josie if you don’t know the name, okay? He’s a nice guy, and has feelings! He’s not a toy boy like the others. He has self respect, integrity and strong ethical values. He’s not up for sale, okay?* You dirty person!

Guy question: Is Cyrus Broacha really mad?

Well, that’s a tricky question. Depends on how you define ‘mad’. Like some say there’s a thin line between mad and genius.

For example, Himesh Reshammiya – mad or genius? Mad.

Albert Einstein – mad or genius? Genius.

Dolly Bindra – mad or genius? MAD.

Salman Khan –  mad or genius? I’m scared of him, so he can be anything he wants to be.

You know, in some cultures, they even use the term ‘special’ and not necessarily blatantly say ‘mad’. It’s considered rude, like that. So, for example, if you ask me if Cyrus Broacha is ‘special’, well I will say, ‘No, of course not! He’s just mad’.

 

Girl question:  Can you give me Rannvijay’s number?

Yes. 1800-Get-off-Rannvijay’s-back-he-CAN’T-take-the-burden-of-so-many-girls-dying-for-him. My number, on the other hand, is 1800-Virgin. Pliss call. I’ll make fraandship with you. Over and over again. Day and night. As many time as you’d like. Pliss call, pliss.

Guy question: Where’s that Shenaz yaar? I miss her.

I know L. I miss her too L.

(Okay, yes no one asks that question, I just wanted to use this space to tell her how I feel)

Unisexual question: Can you make me VJ?

Since the time I was a kid, I’ve sharpened my skills in many different fields. I’ve learnt the hard way how to make maggi, how to make tea, how to make peanu…err.. money, and on special occasions, how to make burnt omelet and bread. But, in all my years of existence, no one’s taught me how to make VJs. But I swear to God, the day they teach me that, I’ll make you a VJ before you can say ‘Cyrus’.

*Unless you have Rs 62. I’m a little behind on my doodhwala payments. Don’t worry about Josie’s pay. He’ll only take 10% of that. 

 

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in February, 2011

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

2010 Roundup: WTF Moments of the Year #Humour

The Bad

WTF Libido of the Year – Ranbir Kapoor’s drive 

If the tabloids are right, at last count, Ranbir Kapoor has shared more than just screen space with: Katrina Kaif, Priyanka Chopra, Deepika Padukone, Sonam Kapoor and recently-in-news hottie, Nargis. He has also done more than just movies with them, enjoyed more than just their company, and practiced more than just his lines with them…. If you know what we mean.

WTF Quote of the Year – Tie between Vidhu Vinod Chopra’s and Suresh Kalmadi’s tongue of slips

Q: Is Chetan Bhagat a human being or an alien? Vidhu Vinod Chopra (VVC): ‘You shut up!’ Q: ‘How does VVC celebrate New Years?’ VVC: ‘You shut up!’ Q: How did the chicken cross the road? VVC: ‘You shut up!’ Q: What’s the one thing you should never tell the media? VVC: ‘You shut up!’ Q: What advice should Suresh Kalmadi be given if he isn’t sure Princess Diana is dead or alive? VVC: ‘You shut up!’

WTF Award of the Year – Arjun Rampal is Best Supporting ‘Actor’ for Rock On

Arjun Rampal winning a National Award for ‘acting’ was like Yuvraj Singh winning Least Fat Cricketer Award, Mimoh winning the Best Name Award, Shekhar Suman winning Best Cleavage Award or Justin Bieber winning Most Facial Hair Award (Male). Only, it was WORSE.

WTF English of the Year – Shahid Kapoor’s attempts at tweeting

If we EVER come to read news about Shahid Kapur not landing a job (or a hot girl) in Hollywood (or in any English-medium office for that matter), we will KNOW it’s because they read his (its?) Twitter feed. Sample the tweets: “Sonams bday today ….. Wonderful girl .. With the sweetest smile ….. Sure she will do her parents” (We hope she doesn’t. That would be super inappropriate). “Is of no use pourin clean water in a dirty vessel so pour luv on those who r capable of acceptin it unadulterated :)” (Pour love ON those? POUR!? Libido Award contender, aren’t you?)

 WTF Social Movement of the Year – Breast Cancer Awareness on Facebook

Question: How does ‘Saucy Red ;)’, ‘Perforated black ;)’, ‘Rainbow hehehe’, ‘Dalmation type polka-dotted’ or ‘Boring white sigh’ help in spreading awareness about breast cancer? Answer: They don’t! Girls who started this unique movement on Facebook to spread awareness by… err… writing their bra colours, elicited ONLY the following responses in boys: a) ‘WTF?’ and b) ‘Boobs!’

WTF Style Statement of the Year – Yana Gupta goes commando

From Mandakini and Zeenat Aman to err.. Anil Kapoor and and Sourav Ganguly, showing skin on camera is the best way to get talked about for years. But Yana Gupta went where no woman has gone before. And no, we don’ mean KRK’s bedroom.

 WTF Dialogue of the Year – ‘Chakakachakabakabakachakachaka’ (Raavan)

For a guy who is supposed to have 10 heads, each equipped with its own tongue in working condition, Raavan in Mani Ratnam’s Raavan could only manage a tongue with the speech pattern worse than Khali.  The fact that Abhishek Bachchan was cast in the movie, combined with the sounds he made (Worse than ‘No Idea?’), gave us new reasons to hate Raavan.

WTF Music Video of the Year – by Ashmit Patel

‘Poochte hain log hamesha yeh sawaal, kahan tha? Kahan kho gaya, tu itne saal?’ Yes, apparently people ASK Ashmit Patel where he was lost all along (probably because he’s been found again since then). For the WTF rap video of all time, which has the power to make Eminem suicidal and Baba Sehgal respectable, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZECe9KWXSw

 WTF Lyrics of the Year – ‘Something something jailhouse rock’ (We Are Family)

Thank God Elvis Presley is no more. Because had he been alive, he would not only have left the building, but he would have f**king destroyed the building and himself NOT before slaying Karan Johar, Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy and Irshad Kamil for the cold blooded murder of his iconic song, ‘Jailhouse rock’. Something something FAIL.

WTF Movies of 2010 – Tie between Hissss and Dunno Y… Na Jaane Kyun

It was the year of No Problem, Tees Maar Khan, Prince, Veer and Raavan, but these two movies were so WTF that if they would have released in the year of 2050 – A Love Story, Harman Baweja may still have had a career. Hissss proved that Mallika Sherawat can not only ruin Bollywood movies, she can do equally worse to (and in) Hollywood movies. And Dunno Y proved that… well, it just proved that sometimes the title of the film is NOT the most WTF thing about it!

THE UGLY

 WTF Creature of 2010 – Dolly Bindra

TIME magazine may call it the Person Of The Year Award but we believe in abbreviations. We will just call it POTY award. Reserved for that one person in the year who walks POTY, talks POTY, does POTY, looks like POTY… you get the drift. And the POTY award goes to the one, and only (hopefully) Dolly Bindra.

She came, she shat, she conquered. And the reason she wins this award over other POTY candidates like Suresh Kalmadi, Lalit Modi, Rakhi Sawant, Nira Radia and Ashok Chavan is because while they did POTY behind our back, and without our knowledge, Bindra does it ON OUR FACES. With OUR HELP. Shame on her? No, shame on us!

WTF Performance of 2010 – Indian Sportspersons

When you see Saina Nehwal – a BADMINTON player who doesn’t need a nose ring to become a phenomenon – winking at you from a hoarding; When, despite having Suresh Kalmadi’s ugly face, ugly beard, ugly words and ugly actions shoved into your face, you are distracted by the winning ways of Indian sportspersons; And when Sachin Tendulkar becomes so great that he beats Rajnikanth at his own jokes, you LOVE going WTF!

WTF Movie of The Year – Udaan

‘Coming of Age?’ in NOT Mallika Sherawat-movie way? Check. ‘It’s different’ in NOT Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag way? Check. Spectacular screenplay, brilliant acting, superior direction AND a music score that didn’t need an item song to be awesome? CHECK. Udaan made us go WTF for all the right reasons. Including making it to Cannes.

WTF Faces of The Year (Entertainment) – Ranveer Singh and Pradyuman Singh

Let’s face it. When you first saw Ranveer Singh’s photo plastered on a Yash Raj Films poster, you DID go, ‘WTF?’ The guy who made us actually consider that reverse-evolution may be happening, and made us believe that if HE can be an actor, we can be too, also turned out to be the WTF talent of the year! He shares honours ith Pradyuman Singh, who put the Osama in OMG.

WTF Trend of the Year – The Return Of Desi

You know what’s desi? Going to Hollywood and dancing vulgarly on the Oscar stage. Making films for the ‘multiplex audience’ that are based in Jamshedpur, Peepli, Janakpuri or the badlands of UP. Worshipping men in moustaches or their replicas in machine form and being proud of it. Rising above the skewed sex ratio in your state to encouraging the daughters to be sportspersons. 2010 truly ditched the ‘WTF ya’ for ‘Kya behenc**d’!

 

Note: This article first appeared on MTVIndia.com on December 31, 2010

Link: mtv.in.com/blogs/movies-blog/news/W*F-moments-of-2010-the-bad-the-ugly-and-the-good-part-ii-4275.html
Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.