MTV Inside Story: The 12 Best Kept Secrets of MTV – I #Humour

IT’S NOISE FACTORY’S ANNIVERSARY ISSUE!!!! AND THAT’S WHY IT’S OKAY TO USE CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION MARKS AND COME UP WITH ATTENTION-GRABBING HEADLINES SO IT MAKES THIS ALL LOOK REALLY IMPORTANT SOMEHOW!!!!!

But truth is, while you may think it is MTV Roadies, the Splitsvilla babes, Anusha’s hotness, Raghu’s bald head, Rajiv’s bald heads or all the other bald “heads” for that matter, that are responsible for MTV doing so well, there are other mysterious elements at play in making MTV what MTV is – by which, I obviously mean, AWESOME. Here are the 12 things about MTV knowing which will make you powerful and super-heroic (but will still not help you qualify for Roadies… Thank God for that!):

  1. The Sutta Break & The Grey Chairs

For all those who think that people don’t do any real work at MTV and only chill, party, stare at Splitsvilla models and discuss Raghu’s iconic acting career, you are right. That is all we do… *at* MTV. And that’s because all the real work happens *outside* of MTV – during sutta breaks. Interestingly, all of MTV’s best ideas have happened while sitting on chairs owned by next-door ad company, Grey. Because obviously, we can pay money for Ayushmann to take off his shirt and dance in MTV Grind (and to Jose to NOT do the same), but we can’t afford our own chairs outside the office.

So, to understand how exactly how work happens, here’s a totally-not-made-up conversation that signifies the origins of MTV Splitsvilla:

Dude 1: (on seeing a hot chick from Grey exit the building) Dude, that chick is hot

Dude 2: Yeah dude *takes puff from cigarette*

Dude 1: I wish that hot chick had many hot chick friends and they could be in a house alone with me and they could fight over who gets to be with me and all the while, they’d be in bikinis.

Dude 2: Yeah dude *takes puff from cigarette*

Dude 1: I’d call such a house Splistvilla because, you know, it would be a villa and I’d totally be doing Splits in my room as a form of physical exercise.

Dude 2: Yeah dude *takes puff from cigarette*

Dude 1: OMG I THOUGHT OF AN IDEA FOR A TV SHOW!

Dude 2: Yeah dude *puts out cigarette*. Now let’s go celebrate by getting ourselves FREE COKE.

2. The FREE COKE Machine

It is both an irony and an encouraging sign of dogged determination (or not) that the most physical exercise MTV employees do every day is climbing the stairs to the first floor, so they can have FREE COKE. The free coke machine is MTV’s best-kept secret.. I mean, *literally* – the free coke machine is tucked away in that dark corner of the first floor open terrace you’d usually bury dead bodies or sexual harassment cases against Siddharth… or umm… both. So each time you make it to the corner, you feel sinful, badass and grateful-to-be-alive, all at once. And to celebrate, you have the FREE COKE! And in case FREE COKE…umm… COCA COLA, or the more hardcore, FREE THUMS UP, just won’t cut it, it’s best to wait for the beer and breezers to flow.

3. Beer, Breezers and Madira

When the people at MTV aren’t combining national holidays with weekends so they can go to Goa and get drunk, they do the next best thing – don’t go anywhere and get drunk right at office! No, no, there’s no need for all of you young, impressionable and morally upright readers to get scandalised at the thought of this – the HR *does* have good reason to give away free beer, breezers and every now and the occasional Tequila shots.

I mean, when there are so many legit occasions to celebrate… like Roadies finale (the fact that it’s getting over, yes), new show launch, Christmas eve, Diwali eve, India cricket match, summers, monsoons, end of the month, Friday, end of the day and just-because-we-can. Obviously, we don’t do it every day, you know, we are cool like that. (And also because, for every day, there is Madira – the shady bar-cum-restaurant that smells like Delhi, opposite the MTV office, which serves alcohol in the morning too, just in case ex-employees drop by and we obviously *need* to catch up with them for a drink).

4. Ex-employees

It is interesting to note that 50% of the work that’s done by MTV’s employees is actually not done by MTV’s employees – it is done by people who quit MTV. This only makes sense because these ex-employees, in their time as MTV employees, would also look up to employees before them, to save them. This may stem from the fact that none of us have any clue about what we are doing (except Ramesh). And by the time we understand what to do, we realise that we deserve much more money for doing it, so we quit and work for freelance. But not all are like that, obviously. That’s precisely why the other 50% of the work done by MTV’s employees is done by Jose (and Ramesh).

7. Jose (and Ramesh)

For all those who don’t know Jose, he’s the only existing MTV VJ who was at no point connected to an MTV reality show (or connected to someone *from* an MTV reality show.. *cough*). Which obviously means that he is the only one who knows what he is doing. Which is obviously why he hardly spends time at MTV anymore. But even the few seconds that he spends every other year at the MTV office are responsible for the greatest TV shows that… you’ve never seen. Those TV shows will come at a time when the audience is intelligent enough to understand them.

But when I say the above, I am not talking about Ramesh, who is already more intelligent than the audience and everyone else at MTV – because he has the best job ever. No, it’s not applying oil to the bodies of Splitsvilla contestants (because such a job doesn’t exist L). It’s the next best thing – he is in charge of ALL THE MTV GOODIES. And no one knows where they are kept… the apparent existence of a ‘godown’ is mere speculation. Maybe it is because of him that The Vault exists? It shall never be known…

6. The Vault

Yes, we do have a vault at MTV. And no one knows why it’s called The Vault because the most precious thing it contains are remnants of food and drinks left by people who come there for “meetings” but actually just want to sit on the bean bags (what it does NOT contain is money collected over a period of time for Raghu’s hair transplant, nope). The only other precious thing that The Vault contains is time… because this is the second place where time comes to a standstill inside the MTV office. The first place is, of course, the….

TO BE CONTINUED

(*insert mysterious haunting orchestral music*)

Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in December, 2011

Read Part II of the post here: https://tanejamainhoon.wordpress.com/2014/02/01/mtvsecrets2

Picture courtesy: Google. None of the pictures are owned by the author all rights belong to the original owner(s) and photographer(s).
© Copyright belongs to the author, Nikhil Taneja. The article may not be reproduced without permission. A link to the URL, instead, would be appreciated.

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