Three months in, I get more inquiries about MTV in a day than the number of hours I sleep (home and work combined) in a week. So, I’ve decided to use this platform to once and for all answer all generic FAQs. If you still have questions, my phone number is also in one of the answers. Pliss do call. Pliss.
Guy question: Is Raghu really like THAT… you know… like THAT?
Yes. He doesn’t have even half a hair on his head (but the same can’t be said about dandruff). But in case you meant if he’s that BADASS in real life, then I’m not sure. Two weeks ago, I saw him in office wearing a floral shirt – that’s a shirt with FLOWERS on it. No thorns. Just daisies and roses and sunflowers… and I think, I may have even spotted a lily. But does that mean he can’t kill me merely by the repeated use of the words ‘g**nd’ and ‘dum’? I’m not sure again, and I really don’t want to find out, you know.
Girl question: Do Rannvijay and Ayushman talk to you?
No, only Jose talks to me L
Guy question: Mujhe ‘Roadies’ banna hai. Can I also be ‘a Roadies’?
Of course, you can. In fact, I can see on your face only that you that you were born to be ‘a Roadies’. I’m actually 100% sure that your mother gave you birth only so that one day you could be verbally raped by the one-who-cannot-be-tamed. I’m also sure that you know from inside-inside that you have it in you to be ‘a Roadies’. By inside-inside, I mean that I’m sure you enjoy the idea of getting hit in the nuts during a task just as much as I enjoy coming to work on Monday mornings (or any morning for that matter), taking a cold bath in winters, or being called ‘uncle’ by beggar kids. NOT.
Girl question: Is Rannvijay that hot in real life also?
Yes. I accidentally bumped into him last week, and I had to be hospitalized with third degree burns.
Guy question: Dude, are all the chicks in MTV like the Splistvilla chicks?
Well, I haven’t seen them roam around in bikinis and sarongs yet. But then again, I’m new, so I never know. But if you mean are they so hot that my eyes are perennially on the verge of popping out, and sometimes I think I’ve died and gone to heaven? Then yes. Also, Splistvilla chicks do come in every now and then 😉
Girl question: Can you set me up with Rannvijay? Or Ayushman? Josie bhi chalega.
Okay first of all, it’s HOEZAY. Don’t call it Josie if you don’t know the name, okay? He’s a nice guy, and has feelings! He’s not a toy boy like the others. He has self respect, integrity and strong ethical values. He’s not up for sale, okay?* You dirty person!
Guy question: Is Cyrus Broacha really mad?
Well, that’s a tricky question. Depends on how you define ‘mad’. Like some say there’s a thin line between mad and genius.
For example, Himesh Reshammiya – mad or genius? Mad.
Albert Einstein – mad or genius? Genius.
Dolly Bindra – mad or genius? MAD.
Salman Khan – mad or genius? I’m scared of him, so he can be anything he wants to be.
You know, in some cultures, they even use the term ‘special’ and not necessarily blatantly say ‘mad’. It’s considered rude, like that. So, for example, if you ask me if Cyrus Broacha is ‘special’, well I will say, ‘No, of course not! He’s just mad’.
Girl question: Can you give me Rannvijay’s number?
Yes. 1800-Get-off-Rannvijay’s-back-he-CAN’T-take-the-burden-of-so-many-girls-dying-for-him. My number, on the other hand, is 1800-Virgin. Pliss call. I’ll make fraandship with you. Over and over again. Day and night. As many time as you’d like. Pliss call, pliss.
Guy question: Where’s that Shenaz yaar? I miss her.
I know L. I miss her too L.
(Okay, yes no one asks that question, I just wanted to use this space to tell her how I feel)
Unisexual question: Can you make me VJ?
Since the time I was a kid, I’ve sharpened my skills in many different fields. I’ve learnt the hard way how to make maggi, how to make tea, how to make peanu…err.. money, and on special occasions, how to make burnt omelet and bread. But, in all my years of existence, no one’s taught me how to make VJs. But I swear to God, the day they teach me that, I’ll make you a VJ before you can say ‘Cyrus’.
*Unless you have Rs 62. I’m a little behind on my doodhwala payments. Don’t worry about Josie’s pay. He’ll only take 10% of that.
Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in February, 2011
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