There are a very few times in my life that I’ve hated movies, even though they are my first love. The first time was when I landed up in an engineering college and realised that colleges don’t look ANYTHING like the ones in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and Main Hoon Na – the only hot chicks in our college were found in the tikka masala at the dhaba beyond our college walls (true story).
The second time I hated movies was when I broke up with my first girlfriend (it was mutual, I swear) and only later realised that unlike the movies, in real life if you try to get back your girlfriend, she calls it ‘stalking’. And informs her new boyfriend. Who looks like Godzilla in size, but is a shade uglier in appearance. And who tries to kill you and eat you up.
The third time I hated the movies was when I started working. You see, I was always under the illusion that there’s a bevy of young and hot chicks, traditionally called secretaries, who’d do anything to work under you (figuratively speaking) because you are young, successful and let’s face it, awesome (and by you, I mean me).
Since I haven’t invented Facebook, at my age the only secretary I meet is the pot-bellied, balding uncle who collects my building’s maintenance fees from me every month, against my liking, of course. And so, I didn’t mind settling for young and hot interns who’d someday be young and hot secretaries and the world would be a better place to work in.
But then, as is usually the case, life has happened. Over the course of 3 years, and roughly 30 interns, let me take you through the different types and kinds of blood-sucking, over-priced, hard(ly) working, annoying, egoistic, and usually very, very male interns I’ve had to deal with in life:
- The Important
This type of intern, usually found in the South region of Bombay, considers himself to be a gift to mankind. He was born not to be an intern but the king of all interns and their masters everywhere, and is merely doing you a favour by allowing you the opportunity to be his boss… until, of course, he decides to buy you and make you slave. He will come when he wants, do what he wants, since he’s just spending some time with the mortals to learn the ways of the cattle class. If you are lucky and have puppy eyes, he may even offer you a job at his father’s company. As an intern, of course.
2. The Sicko
This kind of intern is usually… umm… not found in office at all. Not because he doesn’t like to work or is shirking work or has another intern job to pay his bills and feed his widowed mother and blind sister, but because he’s ill. It’s apparently always a mysterious disease that has the same symptoms as that of ‘faking it’, but is, in fact, a real disease, that only allows the intern to turn up for work two days of the week. For the entire duration of the internship. Until he’s found another job that requires him not to be sick because there are hot female interns as colleagues. True story.
3. The Sacrificial
This is the intern who’ll consider all his options when he’s given some menial, but obviously meaningful work (in the larger scheme of things). And once he realises he doesn’t HAVE any options, he’ll do the work, but not before informing you how it’s only genuine people like him who do such work, because they believe in the greater good (money). He’ll talk about all the sacrifices he makes by taking the train to work, by giving up on eating from his favourite Pav Bhaji stall because there isn’t one near our office, or by not taking up a job with the rival company whose employees were willing to strip to employ him – just because he likes you! Usually, he’s found eating Pav Bhaji outside the same stall once he discovers there IS no more money for him, since there’s no money for YOU either L.
4. The Over Qualified
This is the kind of intern who’s plain embarrassing to work with. Not because he breaks out in an item number every now and then, no, but because he’s usually older than you are, and wants to intern for reasons that range from ‘profile building’ to ‘mid-life crisis’. He’s usually the worst kind of intern to have, because, you find it strange to give him work that you’d usually give your slave. Also, you are scared he may beat you up if you don’t treat him right. He usually goes back to his real work once he finds an office hottie who makes him realise that money is, after all, everything!
5. The Go Getter
The award for the most annoying intern ever goes to this one. This intern is the most enthusiastic, happy, willing to work and eager to shine guy ever – except that he wants to work and shine at the job YOU are doing. He doesn’t want to do work given to him because, obviously that work’s for an INTERN and not for someone as awesome as he is. Instead, he wants to do your job because that’s where his real skills lie, and it doesn’t matter that you had to make coffee for the security guys on your way up to this level – because he is smarter than you and he won’t have to go through that route. Until, of course, you fire him because it’s not legal to bit*hslap people at work.
These are just the basic type of interns out there to destroy your peace and happiness for the money YOU give THEM. There are obviously many more interns out there if you look harder, and I’m willing to bet they’d do the same for free. Now if only the intern was a hot chick, I’d totally not mind any of this at all. *HINT*
Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in October, 2011
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