No one working at the MTV office can deny that he/she wants to be in Raghu Ram’s shoes at least once. No, not because Raghu knows more abuses than most people know their mother tongue.
No, not because Raghu gets to do starring roles in defining movies of our generation, like Jhootha Hi Sahi and Tees Maar Khan. And no, definitely not because of Raghu’s obvious raw sexual appeal that emanates from a focal point on his bald head.
real reason everyone wants to be Raghu Ram at least once is to experience the sadistic pleasure of sitting in the jury’s chair and judging a poor, unassuming, desperate contestant up and down, like you were sent by God especially to judge him. In other words, to make a contestant’s mother and sister one (please translate line in Hindi).
So imagine my happiness when I was asked to go to Bangalore to audition contestants for an upcoming show – it was like that time when I was finally old enough to watch porn legally. Except, it was better, and more legal! I was going to be Raghu – The Hair Edition, and would be like a saviour of mankind, but one who gets to screw everything in sight, and call it ‘job hazard’.
But of course, if life was that perfect, I’d have been the President of my own country, have a body like Hercules, and a sea of gorgeous women hailing me as the man of their dreams. Yes, reality’s a bi**h. So instead of being a new and improved hairy version of Raghu, I found out, first hand, WHY Raghu gets so frustrated during auditions. And unlike what I had previously assumed, it has verrrrry little to do with the minimal amount of hot chicks at the audition.
You see, within one audition session, I realised that all wannabe reality show contestants can be divided into 4 broad categories. And by the end of the audition, these stereotypes became SO obvious that I actually understood why Raghu has no hair – because he pulled them all out during auditions, of course. Here are the stereotypes:
a) The Enthus: Those contestants for whom getting into a reality show is more than a matter of life and death – it’s a matter of Rakhi Sawant and Kumar Gaurav. And they want to be Rakhi Sawant SO badly that they have pre-empted every possible question judges could ask, and rehearsed every possible ‘impromptu’ answer to those questions. Even ‘O Jejus!’
b) The Somewhats: These guys are extremely conflicted and complex deep inside, like deep, deep inside, much like Rahul Mahajan. They really want to be on a reality show but they are not sure what their Mummy would say if she found out. So they have sort-of prepared for it, but they are leaving the rest upto ‘Bhagwaan’ so even if they get selected, they can always say it wasn’t their fault.
c) The Clueless: They have no idea what they are doing at the audition. They probably want to pee very badly, and entered the first building they saw hoping they’d find a loo there. And they are extremely surprised to see that there are judges deciding who gets to take the piss out of them. To follow up this badly written joke with an even worse punchline, they are extremely efficient at pissing you off.
d) The ‘I-Want-To-Be-A-Rodies’: They are extremely weird, volatile and hazardous to health and they REALLY want to be ‘a Rodies’, though they have been rejected by Raghu for 8 years in a row. But in true Roadies spirit, they don’t give up – so much so that they go to any and every reality show audition and give a Roadies audition there. Even though the show has NOTHING TO DO WITH ROADIES.
To give you a further insight into the dangerous minds of these wannabes, here’s an idea of what ACTUALLY happens at auditions:
Judge: So why do you want to be a part of this show about college kids doing random mad tasks?
The Enthu: To give an answer I just thought of right now, I loved the first season of the show, especially the task in which they make the professors dance. I can do all random mad tasks because I have so far lived my life doing random mad stuff like for eg, blah blah blah. And moreover, blah, blah blah. On top of that, blah blah blah.
The Somewhat: So why do I want to be part of this show about college kids doing random mad tasks? Hmm. (Thinks) Actually, I’m in college. And I love doing random mad tasks. Hahah! So hmm. (Thinks) Yeah, that’s it.
The Clueless: Can I go to the loo please?
The Rodie: Because I am different from everyone else, I love adventure like riding on bicycles, I can do physical tasks well like bitching, playing politics and stabbing people’s backs, and I know I have it in me to be a Rodies.
Judge: What’s the craziest thing you have done in college so far?
The Enthu: There are so many! I’ll just tell you one from memory, that has come to me totally impromptu, just now – so there was this one time…. blah blah blah. Oh, I just thought of another one on the spot – so what happened was… blah blah blah. You know what, another one just came to mind – once upon a time… blah blah blah.
The Somewhat: What’s the craziest thing I have done in college so far? Hmm. (Thinks) Well, I went to college and that was quite crazy. Hahah! So hmm. (Thinks) Yeah, that’s it.
The Clueless: Bahut zor se aa rahi hai, bhaiyya. Let me go to loo peees.
The Rodie: I once went on an adventurous task on my bicycle all the way from my hostel to the canteen. On the way, I stabbed someone’s back, played politics and took over someone else’s bicycle, and then bitched about him only. I know I have it in me to be a Rodies.
Judge: If you had a superpower in college, what would it be?
The Enthu: There are SO many superpowers I could have. Off the top of my head, it could be: the ability to give middle finger to professor, power to attract hot chicks towards you, get attendance for not attending, and apart from that, blah blah blah. Not to forget that blah blah blah. Most importantly, blah blah blah.
The Somewhat: If I had a superpower in college, what would it be? Hmm. (Thinks) Well, it would be the superpower to be super and powerful. Hahah! So hmm. (Thinks) Yeah, that’s it.
The Clueless: !#@$!@# To go to the f**king loo whenever I want !@#$ Nikal gaya na!? Aur kar lo question !@#$
The Rodie: It would obviously be the superpower to go on any adventurous task on my bicycle like a superhero, while stabbing backs of everyone, playing politics without anyone knowing it and bitching about people while not getting voted out. I know I have it in me to be a Rodies.
Judge: *Pulls out hair one by one*
Yes, I’m balder than I was before I went to the auditions. Yes, that’s the closest I have ever come to being Raghu. And yes, that’s more Raghu than I’d EVER LIKE TO BE AGAIN. *Disposes off comb because it’s no longer required*
Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in March, 2011
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