Today, I want to take a moment and be grateful towards the people who’ve made it all possible for us to be awesome at MTV. No, not my Mommy, Daddy, chaiwallah, etc; no, not the molested goat from MTV Bakra; no, not Raghu’s shining bald head and no, not even the bikini girls from Splitsvilla. Okay wait, maybe the bikini girls a little bit. But mostly, *drum rolls* it is YOU, oh ye awesome fans. *Breaks into Anu Malik’s classic, ‘Kaun main? Haan tum! Bas tum? Offo!*
Over my extremely entertaining and overly satisfying tenure at MTV, which is bound to result in me being paid more money than Anil Kapoor has chest hair, my interactions with MTV fans have resulted from having my photo clicked (because no ‘famous person’ was available.. .not even Siddharth) to getting friend requests on Facebook like “Hi frend, add me, m Haryanvi boi” (True story) to being told very seriously that my ‘sar’ and ‘g**nd’ are one and the same thing, because I work at MTV.
I have, in these obviously beautiful and heart-warming interactions, learnt about everything from the various kinds of English prevalent in India (the most popular one being the one in which you addzzzz ‘z’ tozzz everythingzzzzz… lolzzzz) to how apparently I need to “blast myself”. From all these lovely experiences though, I have successfully been able to identify the 5 different kinds of fans! Yes!! *self applause* *bows* Here they are:
- The Hardcore fan
My favourite kind of fan. They don’t make them anymore :’) <— khushi ke ansoo. The hardcore fan is the rare species that loves your brand so much that his sole purpose in life is to stalk the crap out of all your pages, the pages of VJs and even its employees. Yes, I said “HIS” sole purpose because girls, umm, have a life. And no, I haven’t offended this fan by dissing him because he’s THAT loyal. Anyone who can survive eight seasons of Roadies and even *volunteered* to write a Roadies blog, had his happiest day when Raghu acknowledged himby making eye contact, has quit jobs that paid him real money to join MTV, and can now be seen gloating about it all in Noise Factory… yup, nothing can possibly affect him now in life.
2. The Emo fan
This is the kind of fan who PMSes even if it’s male… especially when it’s male, actually. He’s the person you avoid in social events, in professional events, on the streets… you get the drift right? Because if and when he manages to catch you, what will inevitably follow is any one of these:
a) I miss MTV of the good old days. (Translation: I miss Shenaz Treasurywala)
b) Are you guys still doing Roadies with that bald dude? (Translation: I HAVE APPLIED 30 TIMES! WHY DIDN’T YOU SELECT ME?)
c) Why are there so many reality shows on MTV? (Translation: I miss Shenaz Treasurywala)
d) Aren’t you supposed to be a ‘music’ channel? (Translation: Hip hop videos have nudity in them)
e) WTF was MTV Grind? (Translation: I miss Shenaz Treasurywala)
3. The Greedy fan
The fan who wants gifts, merchandise, passes, tshirts, your brains, liver, and everything that comes with it. Will take part in every and any contest and spam you with answers until you make sure he gets to see anything from a MTV shoot to you digging your nose at the MTV office so he can update his Facebook status saying, “I SAW THAT HAPPEN LIVE! I AM SO COOL.” But of course, there’s a silver lining to having him – you get to take screen shots and show your boss, “See, I made that happen for him! I am so cool!”
4. The Pseudo fan
The pseudo fan is obviously the most annoying kind. They’ll pretend that they aren’t really fans of MTV India and are wayyyy too awesome to give any kind of crap about it, but will line up first on hearing any of these words: “Free”, “Giveaway”, “Grind”, or “Shenaz Treasurywala”. Most of the times, they are found working at MTV, so we shouldn’t say more bad things about them.
5. The fan who doesn’t know he’s a fan yet
If you like dissing MTV Roadies, Coke Studio @ MTV, MTV Grind, MTV Unplugged, MTV Splitsvilla, MTV Stuntmania or any other MTV show… you are still talking about “MTV”! By definition, you are a fan. Thank you very much!
Note: This column first appeared in MTV Noise Factory in November, 2011
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